Hello friends!
Jeannie Peabody is another one of the wonderful ladies that I have met along our Trisomy Journey. Her son, Porter, is due mid-April, but he is going to be delivered tomorrow, due to low fluid. Jeannie is amazing. Please pray for Jeannie, Seth, their son Cam and Porter. Thank you. These ladies are all dear to me!
You can follow their story here:
http://lessonsfromportergray.blogspot.com
Showing posts with label trisomy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trisomy. Show all posts
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Prayers for Dalton!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
These days
This month I've had so much help. Thank you for the meals, the house cleaning, and for Bella and Farrah's wonderful teachers that provide such a cool environment for them. The girls have been going to "school" almost the whole month. (Minus some sick days last week). I was hesitant about this at first, because what was I going to do by myself all month??!? My girls are my "job!" And I love my job. But Chris & friends kept reminding me to take time to physically heal and just take advantage of the time alone while I have it. I guess a month in the scheme of things isn't that long. Even though I have missed them! But I've enjoyed doing some house projects, a few lunches, starting a new women's study and napping. :)
What I didn't do until this week was start to get my head back in the game. I'm still kinda floating at times it seems. Not so much sad, just floating. So I appreciate not having to do as much of my "job" lately - I haven't cooked, deep cleaned much, etc. It's amazing with all of that being done for me- that I can still feel "busy." My body isn't always moving, but my mind is always racing.
I'm doing well, though. I want you to know that. I think I'll always have a part of my heart missing. There are times when I go through short times of anger or longer times of sadness. It will come out of nowhere, of course, just like you hear grief does. For example, I passed by my beta fish "Goldielocks" last week and found myself angry. Angry that this stupid fish has been around way longer than beta fish are suppose to be around. Why that fish is living and why my daughter isn't doesn't make since to me. It's not fair. But life isn't fair. But God is bigger than the fish and bigger than Hallie and bigger than me. And I think that the fact that I can say that and have faith that our God is BIG is what protects my heart in so many ways.
Honestly, like I've mentioned many times before - I have always been afraid of losing a child or a loved one and wondering how I'd ever survive!! I didn't think I could. (Like, this was a fear that would keep me up some nights.) Fear like this is not from God, by the way. So the fact that I've actually survived and doing alright is even astonishing to me sometimes. Because I never had faith that I could make it, much less that God would carry me through it. I can't believe I am ok. But the fact is, I survived. And so I know in my own heart that I didn't get through this alone. Because I know left to my own devices, I could not have. I feel like God is so much more real to me after going through this. God not only got me through it, but blessed me so much in the process. (Weird to say I feel blessed, I know! But it's how I feel and I'm so glad I am able to say that.)
I also pleaded with and told God early on in finding out about Hallie having Trisomy 13 (at 14 weeks) that I "could handle a miscarriage right now, but please don't take me all the way to the end of this pregnancy only to loose a baby!!" Of course that changed around about 18 weeks maybe... when I could feel life moving around in me. Then it became, "Oh God, please let me make it to the end of this pregnancy and let me meet her!!" And although I am extremely thankful that I was able to meet Hallie and hold her, I also have to remind myself that He still would be good if I hadn't gotten to. That kinda rocks my world when I think about it. There are plenty of women who don't get time with their babies. Or there are women who get many more days with their babies than I got. When you lose a baby, no time is ever really enough.
There just IS a peace that surpasses all understanding. I intimately know that to be true now.
Please keep Kara and Jonathan in your prayers this weekend as they get ready to welcome baby Dalton into the world on Monday!! I am excited for her to meet her first born; her sweet baby boy.
What I didn't do until this week was start to get my head back in the game. I'm still kinda floating at times it seems. Not so much sad, just floating. So I appreciate not having to do as much of my "job" lately - I haven't cooked, deep cleaned much, etc. It's amazing with all of that being done for me- that I can still feel "busy." My body isn't always moving, but my mind is always racing.
I'm doing well, though. I want you to know that. I think I'll always have a part of my heart missing. There are times when I go through short times of anger or longer times of sadness. It will come out of nowhere, of course, just like you hear grief does. For example, I passed by my beta fish "Goldielocks" last week and found myself angry. Angry that this stupid fish has been around way longer than beta fish are suppose to be around. Why that fish is living and why my daughter isn't doesn't make since to me. It's not fair. But life isn't fair. But God is bigger than the fish and bigger than Hallie and bigger than me. And I think that the fact that I can say that and have faith that our God is BIG is what protects my heart in so many ways.
Honestly, like I've mentioned many times before - I have always been afraid of losing a child or a loved one and wondering how I'd ever survive!! I didn't think I could. (Like, this was a fear that would keep me up some nights.) Fear like this is not from God, by the way. So the fact that I've actually survived and doing alright is even astonishing to me sometimes. Because I never had faith that I could make it, much less that God would carry me through it. I can't believe I am ok. But the fact is, I survived. And so I know in my own heart that I didn't get through this alone. Because I know left to my own devices, I could not have. I feel like God is so much more real to me after going through this. God not only got me through it, but blessed me so much in the process. (Weird to say I feel blessed, I know! But it's how I feel and I'm so glad I am able to say that.)
I also pleaded with and told God early on in finding out about Hallie having Trisomy 13 (at 14 weeks) that I "could handle a miscarriage right now, but please don't take me all the way to the end of this pregnancy only to loose a baby!!" Of course that changed around about 18 weeks maybe... when I could feel life moving around in me. Then it became, "Oh God, please let me make it to the end of this pregnancy and let me meet her!!" And although I am extremely thankful that I was able to meet Hallie and hold her, I also have to remind myself that He still would be good if I hadn't gotten to. That kinda rocks my world when I think about it. There are plenty of women who don't get time with their babies. Or there are women who get many more days with their babies than I got. When you lose a baby, no time is ever really enough.
There just IS a peace that surpasses all understanding. I intimately know that to be true now.
Please keep Kara and Jonathan in your prayers this weekend as they get ready to welcome baby Dalton into the world on Monday!! I am excited for her to meet her first born; her sweet baby boy.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Doing well
I've sat down to write several times but not sure what to say. At least with my "weekly pregnancy updates" I had categories to fill out and something to go by. There is no handbook on how to go through grief or a loss. Well, I guess there are books... but no one certain way to go through it nor the abliity to know how you are going to handle it yourself.
Because, like I've said several times, I thought I would SURELY fall over and die if I were to go through a big loss such as this. So there have been times when I was perplexed at why I am OK. I'm not totally fine all the time, but for the most part (like 95% of the time!) I function just fine and can laugh, carry on conversations like normal, and enjoy life.
One of the reasons why I thought I was doing well is that I have been in safe groups. Everywhere I've gone, I've been around people that already know our story. So not only do I know that these people have been praying for us, but I also don't have new people asking me "So.. how many kids do you have" or those hard questions. Meghan said it so well in this post. I have read this a few times and thought, "This is so true!" Especially the part about being out and about and you don't understand why people don't see that you're not a whole person; that a part of you is missing.
Some of the other local women I've met through my pregnancy who are walking the same "Trisomy" road got together last night (and the husbands this time!) It's so nice to be with people who just get it. I know I've said that before, but it's so true. These women are walking right ahead of me or right behind me in this journey and we can easily talk about things that others just don't understand. And we can encourage and help each other. Such a blessing. Kara and Jeannie both have started blogs recently... would you pray for them? They are due with their little boys (Dalton and Porter, respectively) in the next couple of months and could use prayer & all the encouraging words that you all gave me!
Here's a picture of our big group Saturday night! Aren't these some pretty ladies!? Their faith is even more amazing.
I continue to also be so encouraged by Sandra (on the far left) who had her daughter, Holland about 4 months before Hallie. She said something Saturday that I hadn't thought of before. She said for her, it was like Holland was never really hers - like she was God's all along. That it was her job and her joy to carry her and be her mom. That when Holland passed, she was just handing her back to the One who made her. So true!! We are just the lucky moms (and I do mean that, lucky!) to have held angels. (I think Sandra needs to start a blog, because she just says great things!!)
Another thing someone said is that when you lose a baby, it's not so much that you grieve the memories like you with other losses, but you will grieve the milestones of where that baby would be. (For instance, first days of school, first birthdays, etc.) And I see that. Right now, Chris and I find ourselves just feeling like something is missing in our family. Like we "should be" rocking and putting three daughters to bed, not just two. And that hole will never be filled.
Anyways... those are some of my thoughts right now. Know that we are doing pretty well and thank you so so much for the prayers throughout all of this! They have meant so much.
*
Because, like I've said several times, I thought I would SURELY fall over and die if I were to go through a big loss such as this. So there have been times when I was perplexed at why I am OK. I'm not totally fine all the time, but for the most part (like 95% of the time!) I function just fine and can laugh, carry on conversations like normal, and enjoy life.
One of the reasons why I thought I was doing well is that I have been in safe groups. Everywhere I've gone, I've been around people that already know our story. So not only do I know that these people have been praying for us, but I also don't have new people asking me "So.. how many kids do you have" or those hard questions. Meghan said it so well in this post. I have read this a few times and thought, "This is so true!" Especially the part about being out and about and you don't understand why people don't see that you're not a whole person; that a part of you is missing.
Some of the other local women I've met through my pregnancy who are walking the same "Trisomy" road got together last night (and the husbands this time!) It's so nice to be with people who just get it. I know I've said that before, but it's so true. These women are walking right ahead of me or right behind me in this journey and we can easily talk about things that others just don't understand. And we can encourage and help each other. Such a blessing. Kara and Jeannie both have started blogs recently... would you pray for them? They are due with their little boys (Dalton and Porter, respectively) in the next couple of months and could use prayer & all the encouraging words that you all gave me!
Here's a picture of our big group Saturday night! Aren't these some pretty ladies!? Their faith is even more amazing.
I continue to also be so encouraged by Sandra (on the far left) who had her daughter, Holland about 4 months before Hallie. She said something Saturday that I hadn't thought of before. She said for her, it was like Holland was never really hers - like she was God's all along. That it was her job and her joy to carry her and be her mom. That when Holland passed, she was just handing her back to the One who made her. So true!! We are just the lucky moms (and I do mean that, lucky!) to have held angels. (I think Sandra needs to start a blog, because she just says great things!!)
Another thing someone said is that when you lose a baby, it's not so much that you grieve the memories like you with other losses, but you will grieve the milestones of where that baby would be. (For instance, first days of school, first birthdays, etc.) And I see that. Right now, Chris and I find ourselves just feeling like something is missing in our family. Like we "should be" rocking and putting three daughters to bed, not just two. And that hole will never be filled.
Anyways... those are some of my thoughts right now. Know that we are doing pretty well and thank you so so much for the prayers throughout all of this! They have meant so much.
*
Monday, October 10, 2011
Pregnancy Update - 29 weeks!
Baby is the size of: A butternut squash. since she's measuring small, I'll just imagine her as a tiny butternut squash :) Our next ultrasound is in 2 weeks.
Symptoms: Yucky heartburn.
Maternity clothes? Bought a new pair of jeans this weekend and that makes me feel like a new woman! :)
Sleep: About the same. Hard to get comfortable and fall asleep... but then I sleep like a rock.
Fun moment(s) this past week: A trip to The Rock Ranch. What a beautiful weekend here! I'll do a separate post on the day, but here are a couple of teaser pics...
And the visit from our friends from Sarasota. We hadn't seen each other since their last trip through Atlanta. And it was like no time had passed. I love that I knew it would be like that. It was so fun, and we just hung out and had lunch and let the girls play together. I love friends like this that you just click with. We have to get down to Sarasota again soon!
Movement: Hallie: oh yeah. Me: moving slowly.
Food cravings: A pretty constant thing I've liked during this pregnancy is a lemonade/tea mix. (Also called a Arnold Palmer. Not to be confused with Tom Arnold when ordering... not that I would know...haha) Today I realized.... Chick-fil-a will do this. And it was YUMMY!
Gender & Name: Hallie
Weight gained: Next appt is the 18th at the new doc. We'll see then... :)
Belly Button in or out? Still in, but I can see it all.
What I am looking forward to: My sweet first born is turning 4 tomorrow. We are in disbelief! 4 years?!?
Reflections on the past week: It was a good week. I feel more at ease now that I made a decision to change delivering hospitals. It feels right and I finally got all the paper work transferred and an appt scheduled with a new OB. It feels good to have that behind me. And I think it kept me busy :) Now that I'm 29 weeks, I'll meet with a care team on a birth plan and meet the neonatologist. In some ways, I feel like we are on the home stretch, even though I still have around 10 weeks! In many ways, I am eager to get to the end of this pregnancy and just meet her (God willing) and in other ways I want to keep her in me forever. But for the most part, I just feel ready. The waiting is hard for me.
I really have a strong desire to share how I feel completely wrapped in God's arms through all of this. I feel like I've grown in my own personal relationship with him. If only I were a good writer and could tell you in beautiful ways. Although I would change my circumstance in a millisecond, I don't know that I could experience this in any other way than to walk through it myself.
Prayer requests! (Newly added category): Here are some specific things that are on my heart and mind that you can pray for :)
- That we would make it full term and get to meet our precious Hallie
- Wisdom for the doctors
- That we will feel clarity & peace with whatever decisions we'll have to make regarding Hallie's care
- Protection of my sweet Bella's tender heart in what ever is to come. Farrah's too, but Bella will of course be the one who understands more.
- That God is glorified in all of this
Monday, October 3, 2011
pregnancy Update - 28 weeks (7 months!)
Baby is the size of: a chinese cabbage (although Hallie is measuring 2 weeks behind, so I guess she's still about the length of a cucumber)
Symptoms: swelling. ouch.
Maternity clothes? yep. getting ready to get some fall maternity clothes out of storage. yippee!
Sleep: I sleep hard once asleep, but getting comfortable is no fun. I still like to lay on my tummy or back. Sleeping on my left side is suppose to help with the leg swelling but I can't seem to get comfy. Oh, and I'm now acting like a nap is a God-given right. I don't like missing mine! ha.
Fun moment(s) this past week: Being on the beach and watching the girls love just running around, chasing birds, playing frisbee. And also watching them dance at the wedding in Savannah. They are so fun!
Movement: Lots still. Hallie was moving all around as we sat in the sun this weekend. She seems to also like to stretch and push me around. :)
Food cravings: No cravings really.
Gender & Name: Hallie ? Green
Weight gained: not getting on a scale at home. :) I like only knowing at appts!
Belly Button in or out? still an innie.
What I am looking forward to: Hmmm... more of this weather?? :) And we have some out of town friends coming up this weekend. We haven't talked to them in like a YEAR! But they are the type friends you just fall right back into place with. We haven't yet told them about Hallie (or even that I'm pregnant). (We just haven't talked in that long and they aren't on Facebook or read blogs...)
In general, I find that the hardest part in talking about it is telling people the news. Once it's out there, I'm usually ok talking about it. I'm trying to find the balance of that in a lot of places in my life right now. For a long time, only people in our circles (family, church, work, etc.) knew because they knew I was pregnant or know us. But now that I'm showing, and life goes on... I meet new people and I feel like it has to come up all the time (new Bible Study, new people I volunteer with at church, neighbors). There is a comfort in being able to talk about Hallie when I want AND it makes me feel like I have somewhat of a normal pregnancy. But I don't like the discomfort in bringing it up when people don't already know. There's just no good way to bring that up in a conversation. There's not really a solution to this... I just deal with it as it comes along I guess.
Reflections on the past week: A pretty good week. I am getting more anxious as time goes on. I am within 3 months of having Hallie (or less), and that freaks me out. Not sure how else to say that. But the pregnancy is going fast where as at one time, Christmas felt really far away. But y'all know how this time of year flies by... The girls birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving and then BAM! It's Christmas. On one hand, I am ready for her to be here. So much of the stress is in the waiting. On the other hand, I'm not ready for her to be out of the safety of my womb.
I also have no idea how to put into words the things that go on in my head on a day-to-day or even an hour-by-hour basis. I could write so many different posts on so many different aspects of life right now... but I just don't know the words or have the time :)
I will say... I joined a new Bible study group that I haven't done in a couple of years - for moms. We are talking about the book "The Ministry of Motherhood" and it's done so much for my attitude and job as a mother. We just finished this week talking about grace in parenting and it was so good! I look forward to the rest of the book! I'm glad I did this study to remember to focus on being as good of a mom as I can during this time and not to tune out.
Love yall. Thanks for praying!
I also have no idea how to put into words the things that go on in my head on a day-to-day or even an hour-by-hour basis. I could write so many different posts on so many different aspects of life right now... but I just don't know the words or have the time :)
I will say... I joined a new Bible study group that I haven't done in a couple of years - for moms. We are talking about the book "The Ministry of Motherhood" and it's done so much for my attitude and job as a mother. We just finished this week talking about grace in parenting and it was so good! I look forward to the rest of the book! I'm glad I did this study to remember to focus on being as good of a mom as I can during this time and not to tune out.
Love yall. Thanks for praying!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Strength & Hope
Like I spoke about in a previous post, I actually knew a good bit about Trisomy from reading blogs in the past. I don't know how I came to find them, but I followed Copeland's life first. I remember being up in the wee hours, during Bella's night time feedings, rocking and reading. I was amazed by her faith and strength. To be honest, more than anything, I was sad and didn't understand how one got through this. And I would just rock Bella and be so thankful for a healthy baby and family. And I'd cry (Chris did not understand why, on top of my baby hormones, I would read these blogs! haha!)
A couple of years later, I read about Hogan too. His dad wrote the blog and it was so cool how he did it. It really celebrated Hogan's short life. Pretty cool to read a dad's prespective. It was through these two blogs that I learned about Trisomy 18. (Similar but a little different than Trisomy 13.) That was pretty huge for me, because when I was told of the possible diganosis, I knew right away that I could carry this baby (even if it was a really hard journey) I knew of and had read of many that went through the same thing.
Over the last couple of years, I also followed more sad and heart wrenching stories. I also had a high school / blog friend loose a child. That of course was a lot harder as it was someone I knew. Watching her faith and strength was amazing, though. Amazing.
With all of these stories, I said the same thing. "Their strength is so inspiring. They are so strong!"
Another reason I was drawn to the blogs of the people I didn't know was to learn. My biggest, darkest fear has always been to loose someone close to me. I've spoken about this with small groups, close friends and my husband. But I've had a pretty easy life. I haven't gone through any big trials. So I've always been afraid of how I would react, how my faith would really play out if I were to have to go through something big.
I am not strong. God is holding me up. Your prayers are holding us up. And I realize now that those stories are not stories of people with incredible strength. They are real people who looked at their situation, knew they couldn't do it alone - and shared their story through a lens of faith. Without faith in something bigger than ourselves, without faith in a God who truly loves me, I may be able to "survive" because I have two other kids to take care of. But I certainly would have no hope, no joy, and this would be much much harder. I promise you this, my faith is no stronger than yours. It's just that mine has been put out for everyone to watch and see how we will react.
Thankfully I knew right where to turn when we first found out. Chris and I of course we devastated, but we thought, "If we are going to go through this, we're giving it our all."
I am learning that being strong and having faith doesn't mean I can't cry. God is quick to listen to my every plea, he doesn't turn away when I'm super short with my husband, he doesn't get angry when I get angry at my kids, he's patient when I don't understand. And I think he understands when I can cry at a blink of a dime. I'm not perfect and He doesn't expect us to be, especially when going through the ugliness of grief.
It's not fair that I have to go to regular appts and have people ask, "Oh, you're having a Christmas baby!" Agggggg, Christmas is my favorite time of year. I am just sad about this. We have no idea what this year will be like. It's cruel that my situation is never far from my mind, clouding so many things and making them seem less enjoyable. I hate thinking about possible funerals when I should be thinking about showers and diapers and decorating another room.
But after dark periods (some shorter than others - although I feel like all of last week was a long dark time), I wake up and realize - I have HOPE. I will meet Hallie one day, face to face, whether that is here on earth or in heaven. And she'll be perfect either way. I can have joy and sorrow through all of this and no one would expect anything different. They go hand in hand:
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
-Kahlil Gibran
This kinda seems long & rambly... but my point is... I'm not strong alone. I'm still standing because I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and shows me true JOY & gives me HOPE in the midst of unspeakable pain & sorrow.
A couple of years later, I read about Hogan too. His dad wrote the blog and it was so cool how he did it. It really celebrated Hogan's short life. Pretty cool to read a dad's prespective. It was through these two blogs that I learned about Trisomy 18. (Similar but a little different than Trisomy 13.) That was pretty huge for me, because when I was told of the possible diganosis, I knew right away that I could carry this baby (even if it was a really hard journey) I knew of and had read of many that went through the same thing.
Over the last couple of years, I also followed more sad and heart wrenching stories. I also had a high school / blog friend loose a child. That of course was a lot harder as it was someone I knew. Watching her faith and strength was amazing, though. Amazing.
With all of these stories, I said the same thing. "Their strength is so inspiring. They are so strong!"
Another reason I was drawn to the blogs of the people I didn't know was to learn. My biggest, darkest fear has always been to loose someone close to me. I've spoken about this with small groups, close friends and my husband. But I've had a pretty easy life. I haven't gone through any big trials. So I've always been afraid of how I would react, how my faith would really play out if I were to have to go through something big.
I am not strong. God is holding me up. Your prayers are holding us up. And I realize now that those stories are not stories of people with incredible strength. They are real people who looked at their situation, knew they couldn't do it alone - and shared their story through a lens of faith. Without faith in something bigger than ourselves, without faith in a God who truly loves me, I may be able to "survive" because I have two other kids to take care of. But I certainly would have no hope, no joy, and this would be much much harder. I promise you this, my faith is no stronger than yours. It's just that mine has been put out for everyone to watch and see how we will react.
Thankfully I knew right where to turn when we first found out. Chris and I of course we devastated, but we thought, "If we are going to go through this, we're giving it our all."
I am learning that being strong and having faith doesn't mean I can't cry. God is quick to listen to my every plea, he doesn't turn away when I'm super short with my husband, he doesn't get angry when I get angry at my kids, he's patient when I don't understand. And I think he understands when I can cry at a blink of a dime. I'm not perfect and He doesn't expect us to be, especially when going through the ugliness of grief.
It's not fair that I have to go to regular appts and have people ask, "Oh, you're having a Christmas baby!" Agggggg, Christmas is my favorite time of year. I am just sad about this. We have no idea what this year will be like. It's cruel that my situation is never far from my mind, clouding so many things and making them seem less enjoyable. I hate thinking about possible funerals when I should be thinking about showers and diapers and decorating another room.
But after dark periods (some shorter than others - although I feel like all of last week was a long dark time), I wake up and realize - I have HOPE. I will meet Hallie one day, face to face, whether that is here on earth or in heaven. And she'll be perfect either way. I can have joy and sorrow through all of this and no one would expect anything different. They go hand in hand:
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
-Kahlil Gibran
This kinda seems long & rambly... but my point is... I'm not strong alone. I'm still standing because I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and shows me true JOY & gives me HOPE in the midst of unspeakable pain & sorrow.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Pregnancy Update - 26 weeks
Baby is the size of: a (hothouse?) cucumber
Symptoms: Still just the pressure the belly puts on everything. ouch!!!
Maternity clothes? I wear the same pants like every day, but at least I like them?!
Sleep: Didn't do so well this week on sleep. One or two children being sick will do that to you. Friday night, Farrah was up every hour! Um, do I have a newborn?! Naps didn't happen well. But we are back on track and I'm already really really looking forward to a nap today in this weather!
Fun moment(s) this past week: Chris & I went to a fun wedding Sunday afternoon. It was cool & different in a neat art gallery downtown. The bride was BEAUTIFUL!! Oh my goodness. I had not met her before, but you could see her glowing!
Movement: Lots!
Food cravings: This week I passed my gluecose test. I may have celebrated by eating way too many donuts earlier this week and a bag of cotton candy at the fair last night.
Gender & Name: Hallie :)
Weight gained: Seriously, do I have to answer this? :)
Belly Button in or out? Still in, but I can see all of it. Flattening out.
What I am looking forward to: The announcement of Rachael's baby today! She just gave birth and I'm waiting to hear girl or boy!
Today is also our 8 year wedding anniversary. I'm married to the best person I've ever met. And I mean that. I like to think we were made for each other. But I'm pretty sure any girl would be most honored to be Mrs. Chris Green. I'm so happy I'm her, and that he is the best father my girls could ask for. I love Chris more than I can express.
Today is also our 8 year wedding anniversary. I'm married to the best person I've ever met. And I mean that. I like to think we were made for each other. But I'm pretty sure any girl would be most honored to be Mrs. Chris Green. I'm so happy I'm her, and that he is the best father my girls could ask for. I love Chris more than I can express.
Reflections on the past week: It was a hard, hard week. I'd like to write more, later. But right now... I need a nap! So check back.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Prayers for a sweet family
I've connected with just a couple of other families in the U.S. who are going through a Trisomy 13 diagnosis at the same time as we are. We're all around the same stage in pregnancy with little girls. One of those women lost their babies this week; little Annalise Lily went to be with Jesus. I know she is surrounded by people that love her, and a great church family. But she's also hurting. Please pray for Miranda and her husband. Thanks, friends.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Pregnancy Update - 21 weeks
Baby is the size of: a banana
Symptoms: tiredness. Back is better this week. Pain & swelling in my pelvis (I had this with Farrah, too) I think it's just from my abs not picking up the slack and holding the baby up. That, plus I still pick up Farrah a good bit. And... my third baby in 4 years... :)
Maternity clothes? Half/half still. I have a pair of jeans I can still wear and the maternity jeans drive me crazy how you have to pull them up all the time. So... I still stick to dresses, skirts or Nike shorts! :) I love how pregnant women look "cute" and I don't feel there yet.
Sleep: Love it! This weekend was like all the stars aligned and we got tons of sleep & naps around here. Friday, I had a THREE hour nap! Of course.... I was wide awake at 2am, but that nap was awesome.
Fun moment(s) this past week: Our church opened up a new hall for the preschool age kids this week. We have soooo many kids! I volunteer during the week to help get curriculum ready, clean, etc and I just love it. I love our church for one. And secondly, it gives me an outlet to some great girls. And thirdly, I really like making copies. haha! Maybe it's the quietness. Or completing tasks without being interrupted and feeling accomplished. :) Anyhow, I was there a little more this week helping the amazing staff get everything ready. It is so cool to see how everything works behind the scenes. The additional space looks so great!
Movement: Lots of it. You can see her jumping around in my stomach most mornings. That always amazes me. This week, Chris and Bella were able to see it happening!
Food cravings: We've been eating healthy around here the past couple of weeks. We watched a documentary called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" and it inspired us (mostly Chris, which is great if you know the foods he likes!) He's been juicing for the whole family and we've made a few trips to the farmers market to try new things. (added tonight at 10:10 - don't even ask what fast food I'm eating right now!)
Gender & Name: We have a name!! We have a name!!! Post coming soon!
Weight gained: ?? Appt this week!
Belly Button in or out? Still chillin' inside.
What I am looking forward to: Beach Bummin' it!
Reflections on the past week: I don't know. I know from this blog it might be hard to tell, but I actually have a hard time talking about my feelings. This journey of course causes me to do that more. This week has been good (is it bad that I measure how good my week is by how many times I cry?) I don't know how else to measure how I'm doing. Because of course, I am never far from my real thoughts. I can't escape what is happening. But I also feel pretty well, and my pregnancy "feels" physically like my other two.
I don't know what is to come, but I have had a feeling this week that I'm going to see this pregnancy all the way through. I have no medical reasons to think this, I just can't imagine any other way than getting to see her.
There are some things that we also just have to face. Things that parents shouldn't have to do or think about. Like should I plan ahead for funeral, etc? I have no idea. She could certainly be with us for long after her birth. We have NO idea. That is what is SOOO HARD! But I also don't want to be caught having to make a decision with no research or planning behind it. I just don't want to face it, so I haven't done any of that yet.
ALSO... to make this post even longer :) ... Bella talks about "my baby sister" every day. I actually purposely don't bring it up. I just don't know how to handle it. Because I know her little heart won't really understand it all, but I also know she's pretty darn smart and will see her parents hurting at some point. I told her when we first found out we were pregnant that the baby would be here at Christmas (I'm due 12/26), but haven't brought it up since. But she talks about "This is where the baby will sleep at Christmas..." And at parties, she wants to get an extra party favor for her "baby sister." She even tells strangers at the pool that I'm pregnant which then strikes up conversation where I just grin and bear it. It's not that hard to do... and I really don't know any other way to go about it...
Anyhow, it's just those moments and those parenting moments that I know God will give us just enough Grace for when the time comes...
I don't know what is to come, but I have had a feeling this week that I'm going to see this pregnancy all the way through. I have no medical reasons to think this, I just can't imagine any other way than getting to see her.
There are some things that we also just have to face. Things that parents shouldn't have to do or think about. Like should I plan ahead for funeral, etc? I have no idea. She could certainly be with us for long after her birth. We have NO idea. That is what is SOOO HARD! But I also don't want to be caught having to make a decision with no research or planning behind it. I just don't want to face it, so I haven't done any of that yet.
ALSO... to make this post even longer :) ... Bella talks about "my baby sister" every day. I actually purposely don't bring it up. I just don't know how to handle it. Because I know her little heart won't really understand it all, but I also know she's pretty darn smart and will see her parents hurting at some point. I told her when we first found out we were pregnant that the baby would be here at Christmas (I'm due 12/26), but haven't brought it up since. But she talks about "This is where the baby will sleep at Christmas..." And at parties, she wants to get an extra party favor for her "baby sister." She even tells strangers at the pool that I'm pregnant which then strikes up conversation where I just grin and bear it. It's not that hard to do... and I really don't know any other way to go about it...
Anyhow, it's just those moments and those parenting moments that I know God will give us just enough Grace for when the time comes...
Monday, August 8, 2011
Pregnancy Update - 20 weeks!
Baby is the size of: a small cantaloupe
Symptoms: some heartburn at night
Maternity clothes? half & half. would love to freshen that wardrobe up. I think some new cute tops would be nice to have! I actually love summer and don't mind the heat (too much), but I am ready for some fall clothes!
Sleep: sleeping well. still laying on my tummy some. kinda on my tummy, but turned to a side. Either that or on my back. I toss and turn to get comfortable, but I think that's because our bedroom is 1000 degrees.
Fun moment(s) this past week: We attended two fun birthday parties this Saturday. One was a barn theme at my aunt's B&B for Abigail. Allison decorated so cute!! The farm animal cake pop's were just over the top cute! Later that evening, we went to Bella's friends Brooke & Bailey's swim party. It was fun - lots of our friends from church - Pizza, jumpy house (or "boppy" as Farrah calls it), pool, bubbles... We all slept well that night for sure!
Movement: feeling her move around a lot now! Chris was able to feel her this week as we were going to sleep. I know that makes things more personal for him, too. He said he'd like to write on here one day again soon. He used to write some on our old blog.
Food cravings: Not sure it's really a craving, but I have been loving Trader Joe's Lemonade & Tea. YUM!! I have to pace myself not to drink it all in a day :)
Gender & Name: Little girl still doesn't have a name. This week I'll start to look, I promise. :)
Weight gained: Not sure. Feeling like I'm doing ok though. Maybe I should get a belly picture going...
Belly Button in or out? No change
What I am looking forward to: We are going to the beach in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to that!!!
Reflections on the past week: I feel like I've had a good handle on my emotions this week. I may have some cries, but I know it's also healthy (and normal!) and that my cries and prayers are heard by my loving Father in Heaven. He understands. I can have a cry, know it's normal, and not be in a funk for two days because of it. :) Even though I'm sure that's still bound to happen. But I have felt good this week.
I guess a good word is I have felt secure. Secure in my marriage - knowing I can just bury my head in Chris' chest and cry and he will just hold me. Secure in God's word that says everything works for the good of those who love the Lord.
Crazy that I'm "halfway there" in this pregnancy. I feel like it's gone fast, even with everything going on. I'm feeling her more & more and trying to just enjoy this time we have together.
Symptoms: some heartburn at night
Maternity clothes? half & half. would love to freshen that wardrobe up. I think some new cute tops would be nice to have! I actually love summer and don't mind the heat (too much), but I am ready for some fall clothes!
Sleep: sleeping well. still laying on my tummy some. kinda on my tummy, but turned to a side. Either that or on my back. I toss and turn to get comfortable, but I think that's because our bedroom is 1000 degrees.
Fun moment(s) this past week: We attended two fun birthday parties this Saturday. One was a barn theme at my aunt's B&B for Abigail. Allison decorated so cute!! The farm animal cake pop's were just over the top cute! Later that evening, we went to Bella's friends Brooke & Bailey's swim party. It was fun - lots of our friends from church - Pizza, jumpy house (or "boppy" as Farrah calls it), pool, bubbles... We all slept well that night for sure!
Movement: feeling her move around a lot now! Chris was able to feel her this week as we were going to sleep. I know that makes things more personal for him, too. He said he'd like to write on here one day again soon. He used to write some on our old blog.
Food cravings: Not sure it's really a craving, but I have been loving Trader Joe's Lemonade & Tea. YUM!! I have to pace myself not to drink it all in a day :)
Gender & Name: Little girl still doesn't have a name. This week I'll start to look, I promise. :)
Weight gained: Not sure. Feeling like I'm doing ok though. Maybe I should get a belly picture going...
Belly Button in or out? No change
What I am looking forward to: We are going to the beach in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to that!!!
Reflections on the past week: I feel like I've had a good handle on my emotions this week. I may have some cries, but I know it's also healthy (and normal!) and that my cries and prayers are heard by my loving Father in Heaven. He understands. I can have a cry, know it's normal, and not be in a funk for two days because of it. :) Even though I'm sure that's still bound to happen. But I have felt good this week.
I guess a good word is I have felt secure. Secure in my marriage - knowing I can just bury my head in Chris' chest and cry and he will just hold me. Secure in God's word that says everything works for the good of those who love the Lord.
Crazy that I'm "halfway there" in this pregnancy. I feel like it's gone fast, even with everything going on. I'm feeling her more & more and trying to just enjoy this time we have together.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Pregnancy Update - 19 weeks
This sweet profile pic is from today's ultrasound appt with the specialist. No big changes or news. We could tell that she does have a cleft palate (which seems a minor concern to me, but I guess it's good to know), the middle of her heart is not formed (which can happen in a typical pregnancy, too, it's just that combined with the chromosomal abnormality that makes it more of an issue), and she's measuring just a tad behind (18w2days) which is normal in our situation. She's about 8 ounces now.
We did see that the feet are forming fine (no club feet), her brain looks ok, her eyes have formed (some T13 babies may be born with one or not be born with them at all), and she was SOOO active! And we even got a picture of her holding on to the umbilical cord. It's crazy because with the untrained eye, she looks perfect. Just perfect. And she is to God. We already love her so much.
Baby is the size of: an heirloom tomato
Symptoms: Overall feeling good.
Maternity clothes? In some. I wear tank tops a lot. And still prefer dresses to anything else.
Sleep: Love it. Couldn't get enough this weekend!
Fun moment(s) this past week: Our house was painted. I love it!
Movement: Feeling little kicks & movements when I lay down at night. I have only felt her kick once or twice during the day when I am busy moving around. Bella & Farrah spent the night at GG's one night this week. When they got home, we immediately cuddled on the couch, one girl on each side. Then the baby kicked. It was like she knew they were home. It was kinda surreal. I didn't say anything right away to anyone, just had to think on that one. :)
Food cravings:: No huge cravings. I just feel like I have a license to eat whatever I want. Which isn't necessarily good.
Gender & Name: No names discussed yet. I have one that has been floating around in my head for a few weeks, but still thinking about it. Chris told the ultrasound tech today that we were "going to pick a name with meaning. Kinda like Native Americans. Maybe we'll name her Chief Running Bear."
Weight gained: ? Next appt on the 18th.
Belly Button in or out? No change this week.
What I am looking forward to: Hmmmm.... not sure. Maybe a slower week? Last week was crazy with the house painting and busy go-go-go weekend. I think we all need to catch up on sleep!
I've also started "Heaven is for Real". I don't read a lot at all, but I have a hard time putting this book down. So, I look forward to reading and getting good sleep this week. Lame-o!
Reflections on the past week: I had a harder weekend than week. I've realized that it's the smaller stuff that gets to me. Like my plate is full and I can't handle much else. Sometimes that comes in the form of deciding what to make for dinner or the plan for my day. Other times it's not enough sleep. Or just a kink in my day. So I am trying to learn how to cope with that stress/grief in a healthy way. I don't want to close down all the time; but sometimes that's exactly what I want to do. I don't want to be super impatient with my kids; but I know that they are at a hard age and it's bound to happen anyways! I've learned how to apologize to Bella. It's a good lesson for both of us :) This week I've learned that being too busy can be stressful - I like my kids being on a schedule and I pushed them a little too much this past week. It's not good when none of us get sleep.
I get messages on Facebook and emails, texts, and voicemails from many of you. Thank you. I am sorry if I'm slow to respond. I was reminded in one of these messages of something very important: all of our kids are on loan from our Heavenly Father. It is great that He shares these great blessings with us. So we will love baby girl #3 (name needs to come soon!) as long as she's with us. And we are thankful for the lessons of love, faith, mercy and MANY others that she is teaching us with her little life.
Monday, July 18, 2011
New Pregnancy Update - 17 weeks
So.. I am back with my pregnancy updates! I stopped after the 13th week. But I've decided that I'd like to have some normalcy to this pregnancy, and I'm still carrying a precious girl that I'd like to update about. I did edit and take out some categories and added a couple. I feel like I could still have another category or two that could apply to my new situation, but I'm drawing a blank. Let me know if you think of something good I could add to update each week!
Baby is the size of: an onion
Symptoms: Sciatic nerve started acting up a couple of nights this week.
Maternity clothes? i've worn a couple of shirts, but I haven't broken them out totally. still fittin' in my pants, although I know I totally have a little belly now. just holding on before i start wearing those maternity clothes for what feels like forever. I think I may invest in a couple of new things this time around. (This is the week I bought my first maternity shirt with Bella!)
Sleep:I try to catch a nap when the girls nap. I've also noticed that I've been a much lighter sleeper. Or, I should say, I have a hard time going back to sleep each time I have to get up and empty the pregnancy bladder.
Fun moment(s) this past week: We went to our first Gwinnett Braves game. It was for Dave Odom's surprise 30th party that Amanda planned so well. It was unseasonably cool (kinda even cold!) and we had fun in the lawn seats chasing Farrah down the hill 100 times. Morgan, Kelly, Bobby, Chris & I and all of our kids ate mexican beforehand, and I couldn't get enough cheese dip. Cheese dip can be on a fun moment of the week, right? :)
Movement: There have been a couple of times that I have questioned it - this morning as I was laying in bed, I felt something... but wasn't 100%. (I just looked and started feeling Farrah at 16 weeks, so it might be flutters I feel!)
Food cravings:: Caffeine? Fruit of any kind.
Gender & Name: Most of you know we were going to be surprised at birth this time around. I was looking forward to that. But once we knew what we were facing, we wanted to know the gender. A sweet baby girl. Now, we're started to think about picking a name. Not an easy task ever, but feeling it's much harder this time.
Weight gained: I took this one out at first because I generally don't care as much this time. Not that I don't care, but I guess I have other things on my mind. But I would like to look back and remember. At my 16w appt last week, I had gained a total of 4 lbs this pregnancy. It felt like more, so that was good to know.
Belly Button in or out? In. But I can see the back of my bellybutton. (Does that make sense?) I looked back at Bella's baby book tonight, and noticed that this happened around the same time with her.
What I am looking forward to: A dinner with old friends tomorrow and celebrating one of my best friend's Morgan's 30th this weekend!
Reflections on the past week: I'm not repressing grief, but I also am waking up and CHOOSING to live my day joyfully. To make an effort not to let the little things stress me out. Starting to look forward to the little kicks and flutters so that I may have a closer connection with her.
Some favorite iPhone pics this week:
Baby is the size of: an onion
Symptoms: Sciatic nerve started acting up a couple of nights this week.
Maternity clothes? i've worn a couple of shirts, but I haven't broken them out totally. still fittin' in my pants, although I know I totally have a little belly now. just holding on before i start wearing those maternity clothes for what feels like forever. I think I may invest in a couple of new things this time around. (This is the week I bought my first maternity shirt with Bella!)
Sleep:I try to catch a nap when the girls nap. I've also noticed that I've been a much lighter sleeper. Or, I should say, I have a hard time going back to sleep each time I have to get up and empty the pregnancy bladder.
Fun moment(s) this past week: We went to our first Gwinnett Braves game. It was for Dave Odom's surprise 30th party that Amanda planned so well. It was unseasonably cool (kinda even cold!) and we had fun in the lawn seats chasing Farrah down the hill 100 times. Morgan, Kelly, Bobby, Chris & I and all of our kids ate mexican beforehand, and I couldn't get enough cheese dip. Cheese dip can be on a fun moment of the week, right? :)
Movement: There have been a couple of times that I have questioned it - this morning as I was laying in bed, I felt something... but wasn't 100%. (I just looked and started feeling Farrah at 16 weeks, so it might be flutters I feel!)
Food cravings:: Caffeine? Fruit of any kind.
Gender & Name: Most of you know we were going to be surprised at birth this time around. I was looking forward to that. But once we knew what we were facing, we wanted to know the gender. A sweet baby girl. Now, we're started to think about picking a name. Not an easy task ever, but feeling it's much harder this time.
Weight gained: I took this one out at first because I generally don't care as much this time. Not that I don't care, but I guess I have other things on my mind. But I would like to look back and remember. At my 16w appt last week, I had gained a total of 4 lbs this pregnancy. It felt like more, so that was good to know.
Belly Button in or out? In. But I can see the back of my bellybutton. (Does that make sense?) I looked back at Bella's baby book tonight, and noticed that this happened around the same time with her.
What I am looking forward to: A dinner with old friends tomorrow and celebrating one of my best friend's Morgan's 30th this weekend!
Reflections on the past week: I'm not repressing grief, but I also am waking up and CHOOSING to live my day joyfully. To make an effort not to let the little things stress me out. Starting to look forward to the little kicks and flutters so that I may have a closer connection with her.
Some favorite iPhone pics this week:
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Hard days & God's Mercy
I had my first appointment (16 week appointment) with my regular OBGYN doctors today since the diagnosis. Baby Girl's heartbeat was nice & strong. I actually had the appt with the doctor who delivered Bella. My practice has 6 women, and any of the 6 could be the delivery doctor. She had been filled in with the specialists findings and it was basically just a time for me to ask questions. I didn't have tons, just two really. One was "How often have y'all delivered a baby with Trisomy?" I knew it wouldn't be tons, but I was super surprised that she said, "Well, a couple of YEARS ago we had a girl who decided to carry the baby to term and made it to birth..." A couple of YEARS ago??? That is crazy to me. This is a huge, busy practice. I know that Trisomy is 1) rare 2) some decide to terminate the pregnancy and 3) many don't make it full term - but WOW.
Which leads me to the title of my blog tonight. I had a couple of hard days this week. I found myself, for the first time really, asking "Why ME??" Not that I'd EVER wish it on anyone... but why me? I know that may never be answered. But that on top of the worry of it all got a hold of me this week. I just didn't see how I was going to find joy in this pregnancy. How was I ever going to NOT think about my situation? It's on my mind 24/7. I was short with people around me, and I just wanted to sleep it away. "Wake me up next year," I thought. Though I know staying "busy" is a good way to keep my mind off of it, I also wasn't in the mood to be around anyone else. I was fine with the girls, but night time was hard after the day of worry had taken it's toll on me. (And don't worry a bit if you feel bad for not checking in on me. I'm more than likely to act like nothing is wrong anyway... I'm tricky like that :))
A blog of a husband & wife who went through this a couple of years ago has been so helpful. They reminded me that this is God's purpose in this little girl, no matter how long or short. I want to celebrate that, no matter how hard.
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)
I love this verse and the promise it contains! The last few words could be translated, "...and find grace for a well-timed help." God's grace comes to us just when we need it, not before and never too late. That is why Jesus says not to worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own, but God is already there and His mercies are new every morning, just when we need them. So how do we look into an utterly unpredictable future with, most likely, a great deal of grief and loss in it without becoming morose, self-centered, and depressed? How do we go on loving other people when we are scared and our hearts are grieving over what is to come? We preach Hebrews 4:16 to ourselves every day and fight the fight of faith in God's goodness and love for us. We approach the throne of grace with confidence! His grace will be sufficient and we can even rejoice in our sufferings because we have such and amazing God who will meet our needs at exactly the best moments.
That paragraph above is taken from their blog. Because I can't write that good, and I'm not good at paraphrasing. (Never have been, ask my parents and those darn book reports they helped me with.) And I think they said it just perfectly. I can't do this on my own, and God knows that. So why not just receive the mercy he's giving me?
So the past two days have been better. I know I'll have dark days in the future, but I also can come out of them confidently knowing I'm not alone and CHOOSE to see God's blessing in all of this.
Which leads me to the title of my blog tonight. I had a couple of hard days this week. I found myself, for the first time really, asking "Why ME??" Not that I'd EVER wish it on anyone... but why me? I know that may never be answered. But that on top of the worry of it all got a hold of me this week. I just didn't see how I was going to find joy in this pregnancy. How was I ever going to NOT think about my situation? It's on my mind 24/7. I was short with people around me, and I just wanted to sleep it away. "Wake me up next year," I thought. Though I know staying "busy" is a good way to keep my mind off of it, I also wasn't in the mood to be around anyone else. I was fine with the girls, but night time was hard after the day of worry had taken it's toll on me. (And don't worry a bit if you feel bad for not checking in on me. I'm more than likely to act like nothing is wrong anyway... I'm tricky like that :))
A blog of a husband & wife who went through this a couple of years ago has been so helpful. They reminded me that this is God's purpose in this little girl, no matter how long or short. I want to celebrate that, no matter how hard.
"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)
I love this verse and the promise it contains! The last few words could be translated, "...and find grace for a well-timed help." God's grace comes to us just when we need it, not before and never too late. That is why Jesus says not to worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own, but God is already there and His mercies are new every morning, just when we need them. So how do we look into an utterly unpredictable future with, most likely, a great deal of grief and loss in it without becoming morose, self-centered, and depressed? How do we go on loving other people when we are scared and our hearts are grieving over what is to come? We preach Hebrews 4:16 to ourselves every day and fight the fight of faith in God's goodness and love for us. We approach the throne of grace with confidence! His grace will be sufficient and we can even rejoice in our sufferings because we have such and amazing God who will meet our needs at exactly the best moments.
That paragraph above is taken from their blog. Because I can't write that good, and I'm not good at paraphrasing. (Never have been, ask my parents and those darn book reports they helped me with.) And I think they said it just perfectly. I can't do this on my own, and God knows that. So why not just receive the mercy he's giving me?
So the past two days have been better. I know I'll have dark days in the future, but I also can come out of them confidently knowing I'm not alone and CHOOSE to see God's blessing in all of this.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Check up on Baby Girl
"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."
Psalm 30:5
We had an ultrasound today with the prenatal specialist to check on the baby. It's hard for me to know how much to write here! I want everyone to know what is going on... because 1) I know people are concerned (I've been in that boat!) 2) I want people to know how to pray and 3) if we do make it full-term, or even if we don't, I'd love for my blog to help someone in the future dealing with Trisomy 13. I know how much reading these similar blogs has helped me in the last couple of weeks. It's nice to read them and be like "Yes! That's exactly how I feel!!!" Because as helpful as the doctors want to be, they haven't been through this. Don't get me wrong, they are great.
But it's also hard to write and put all my true feelings out there. They can change so fast! I know my writings are kind of stream of consciousness, but I don't know how to get it all out there! I do want you all to know that we have MANY more good hours than bad hours. The harder times are:
1) At night when it's quiet and you sit and dwell on it or when falling asleep
2) The ultrasounds are hard (not so much the actual ultrasounds, but afterwards) because what Chris and I see is a perfect baby. And knowing that the doctors, as much as they would like to, can't tell us what the next day will bring.
So please know that YOUR prayers are something we've taken great comfort in.
I am literally having to learn to take it one day at a time - there isn't another way, really - and it's helped a lot. I'm kind of a wake-up-and-figure-out-my-day kinda girl anyways, but this is at a whole new level!
It is sad not to look forward to an ultrasound in the way you do with a typical pregnancy. But overall, I was eager to see her again and anxious to see if there were any new developments. (For those of you who have asked... we had a diagnostic test done - meaning they took DNA from my placenta - so there's no mistaking what the baby has). The only question that will remain is how severe will it be on the different organs (heart, lungs, etc.). She does in fact have a heart defect (we should see all 4 chambers of the heart, but the middle is not forming correctly). The doctor also suspects a cleft palate, which is a typical marker of Trisomy 13. The fluid behind her neck is less than it was 2 weeks ago, which is a sign that the baby isn't under as much stress. The doctor's educated guess after seeing things is that I have a 50-70% chance of losing her before birth. But to turn it around, that also means a 30-50% chance of a live birth. So really, to me, there is no telling!
The nice part about the ultrasounds, to look for a positive, is that it is LONG! So we get to see her for a good 30 minutes! Fingers, toes, sweet profile. I asked a million times for a picture because the most clear one I have so far is from 10 weeks. They printed two off... and they were not much better. Next time, I WILL get a GOOD ONE.
Thanks for your continued prayers. I know as a mom/friend/parent reading this and thinking about us is upsetting to you, too. So thanks for helping carry our load with your prayers, concerns and friendship.
Psalm 30:5
We had an ultrasound today with the prenatal specialist to check on the baby. It's hard for me to know how much to write here! I want everyone to know what is going on... because 1) I know people are concerned (I've been in that boat!) 2) I want people to know how to pray and 3) if we do make it full-term, or even if we don't, I'd love for my blog to help someone in the future dealing with Trisomy 13. I know how much reading these similar blogs has helped me in the last couple of weeks. It's nice to read them and be like "Yes! That's exactly how I feel!!!" Because as helpful as the doctors want to be, they haven't been through this. Don't get me wrong, they are great.
But it's also hard to write and put all my true feelings out there. They can change so fast! I know my writings are kind of stream of consciousness, but I don't know how to get it all out there! I do want you all to know that we have MANY more good hours than bad hours. The harder times are:
1) At night when it's quiet and you sit and dwell on it or when falling asleep
2) The ultrasounds are hard (not so much the actual ultrasounds, but afterwards) because what Chris and I see is a perfect baby. And knowing that the doctors, as much as they would like to, can't tell us what the next day will bring.
So please know that YOUR prayers are something we've taken great comfort in.
I am literally having to learn to take it one day at a time - there isn't another way, really - and it's helped a lot. I'm kind of a wake-up-and-figure-out-my-day kinda girl anyways, but this is at a whole new level!
It is sad not to look forward to an ultrasound in the way you do with a typical pregnancy. But overall, I was eager to see her again and anxious to see if there were any new developments. (For those of you who have asked... we had a diagnostic test done - meaning they took DNA from my placenta - so there's no mistaking what the baby has). The only question that will remain is how severe will it be on the different organs (heart, lungs, etc.). She does in fact have a heart defect (we should see all 4 chambers of the heart, but the middle is not forming correctly). The doctor also suspects a cleft palate, which is a typical marker of Trisomy 13. The fluid behind her neck is less than it was 2 weeks ago, which is a sign that the baby isn't under as much stress. The doctor's educated guess after seeing things is that I have a 50-70% chance of losing her before birth. But to turn it around, that also means a 30-50% chance of a live birth. So really, to me, there is no telling!
The nice part about the ultrasounds, to look for a positive, is that it is LONG! So we get to see her for a good 30 minutes! Fingers, toes, sweet profile. I asked a million times for a picture because the most clear one I have so far is from 10 weeks. They printed two off... and they were not much better. Next time, I WILL get a GOOD ONE.
Thanks for your continued prayers. I know as a mom/friend/parent reading this and thinking about us is upsetting to you, too. So thanks for helping carry our load with your prayers, concerns and friendship.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Thank you!
Thank you ALL for the prayers, emails, texts, comments, etc. We feel so loved. We are thankful we're not alone in all of this.
One thing I have not yet shared here is that baby Green is a GIRL! Not quite the way we planned on finding out (we were going to be surprised at birth this time around!) but after getting the news, we wanted to know. We feel a little more close to her in that way now. We can pray for her even more personally. It was tough to know as well, because you know how much I love my little girls :)
The hard part (or A hard part) for me right now is the not knowing how long I will carry her ... the anxiety and questions can drive you nuts. I worry that as time goes on, the anxiety will get worse & not better. My stomach is starting to poke. I am sure soon I will start feeling her kicks. At that point, I will no doubt want to meet her - if only for a brief moment in time.
I have to remind myself: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
So I also find that keeping myself busy is good. We loved getting away to the beach last weekend with my brother Ryan and sister-in-law Melissa and her mom and stepdad (Amanda and Doug). And we had a super filled weekend for the 4th of July. Thankful for that.
A crazy thing is that I have followed a FEW blogs in the last 3 years with moms (and dads) writing about this VERY thing - Trisomy 13 or 18. I have read as women go through this. I would weep. Why couldn't I just read blogs about decorating or organizing or something?? But I couldn't help feeling for them & wondering if I'd have the same strength. I've watched as others have gone through other heart breaking struggles. How did they get through this? I've always admired them, and been thankful for my healthy "uneventful" life. But it's never been a club I wished to join.
But I also know that in a strange way, seeing others go through this VERY thing has prepared me some - well, maybe not prepared... but given me a light at the end of the tunnel. Or a source to look back at. I know in my heart, it will be terrible - but we will get through it. But how do I also go through a trial being joyful? How will I possibly go through a whole pregnancy, knowing it won't have a "normal" outcome, and be joyful? That is something I want to learn all about. I'm not there yet. But I know MY God is not surprised by any of this. He already has this baby girl's days numbered as well as my own.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. – James 1:2-3
Here is our specific prayer right now, and we'd love for you to join with us:
God, give us more hours of joy than pain. Allow us to turn the corner of sorrow, to celebration. Cause us to see her as a gift. And allow us to cherish every moment she’s with us. Change our hearts.
One thing I have not yet shared here is that baby Green is a GIRL! Not quite the way we planned on finding out (we were going to be surprised at birth this time around!) but after getting the news, we wanted to know. We feel a little more close to her in that way now. We can pray for her even more personally. It was tough to know as well, because you know how much I love my little girls :)
The hard part (or A hard part) for me right now is the not knowing how long I will carry her ... the anxiety and questions can drive you nuts. I worry that as time goes on, the anxiety will get worse & not better. My stomach is starting to poke. I am sure soon I will start feeling her kicks. At that point, I will no doubt want to meet her - if only for a brief moment in time.
I have to remind myself: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
So I also find that keeping myself busy is good. We loved getting away to the beach last weekend with my brother Ryan and sister-in-law Melissa and her mom and stepdad (Amanda and Doug). And we had a super filled weekend for the 4th of July. Thankful for that.
A crazy thing is that I have followed a FEW blogs in the last 3 years with moms (and dads) writing about this VERY thing - Trisomy 13 or 18. I have read as women go through this. I would weep. Why couldn't I just read blogs about decorating or organizing or something?? But I couldn't help feeling for them & wondering if I'd have the same strength. I've watched as others have gone through other heart breaking struggles. How did they get through this? I've always admired them, and been thankful for my healthy "uneventful" life. But it's never been a club I wished to join.
But I also know that in a strange way, seeing others go through this VERY thing has prepared me some - well, maybe not prepared... but given me a light at the end of the tunnel. Or a source to look back at. I know in my heart, it will be terrible - but we will get through it. But how do I also go through a trial being joyful? How will I possibly go through a whole pregnancy, knowing it won't have a "normal" outcome, and be joyful? That is something I want to learn all about. I'm not there yet. But I know MY God is not surprised by any of this. He already has this baby girl's days numbered as well as my own.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. – James 1:2-3
Here is our specific prayer right now, and we'd love for you to join with us:
God, give us more hours of joy than pain. Allow us to turn the corner of sorrow, to celebration. Cause us to see her as a gift. And allow us to cherish every moment she’s with us. Change our hearts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)