The summer has come and we are looking forward to enjoying it. Summer has always been my favorite season. Even the hot Georgia summers. Sleeping in, swimming, staying up late, lightening bugs, beach trips, summer tans, and now... tan baby legs and white little booties. I'd move to the beach if my family and friends would move with me... :)
We have officially moved. That is going well. I was not as sad about leaving the house as I anticipated. We'll make memories where ever we go. We're making them now. But leaving the house feels like leaving a chapter. Something about the coming of summer and our moving.... it all feels like we are starting anew!
We did just pass over a few anniversaries that left me a bit reminiscent, sometimes sad, confused about all that's happened over the last year, and turned inward.
June 19th would have been Hallie's 6th month birthday. It's hard to believe that a year is half over since I met her. (And of course it feels like a lifetime ago at the same time.)
June 23rd was the day our life changed at that appointment.
And June 24th marks 6 months since she's been gone.
Things I am working on/feeling now:
-I feel like I am constantly reminded that my life is not in my control (I know it isn't, but it doesn't mean I don't act like it is sometimes.) And that this is NOT where I thought I'd be this time last year. I thought we were on our way to having three kids at home. The reminders are small things like pictures of Hallie. Looking in the mirror at the Y as I exercise to get rid of baby weight. Being ANYWHERE and everywhere with two kids and having the feeling that a third is missing BUT no one else knows or notices. None of these things in themselves make me break down and cry. But they happen so many times a day, it's just my new normal. No one else knows how many times a mama thinks about her kids. Even the ones that aren't there.
-Along those same lines - I love talking about Hallie. I don't mind getting asked how I am doing. At all. I appreciate people always thinking of us. But what I find that I love most is - having the opportunity to talk about Hallie. This mostly happens now if I'm out alone (without kids!) and people ask "How many kids to you have?" Of course not every situation is the right one to bring up Hallie, but wow- when I get to, I find it so great. I am sure the other person is squeezing their butt cheeks and wondering why they asked. But I get to talk about Bella and Farrah all the time. I love getting to share Hallie every once in a while. It's like confirming to me that she was here. I see why people get tattoos. It's a conversation piece. I spoke to another baby loss mama and we both agreed we wished we had something on the outside that made other people want to ask you about your child.
-Anxiety. Chris and I have both been going through this, in similar and different ways. I know I should hold my life, my kids lives, my husbands life with open hands to Him. But I can't bare the thought of anything happening to someone I love. I am very anxious when leaving the girls for a night, or even day sometimes. I'm trying to learn how to be ok in the quiet, when they aren't there for a short while, and knowing they are going to be ok. I'm afraid this one is going to take me quite a while.
I started to wrap this post up with all the fun things we've been doing and cute pictures of the girls. Because from just this post, you wouldn't know that we love where we live now, how we went on our first family camping trip, all the awesome things that comes out of our girls' mouths, fun date nights, girls nights, new friends, old friends, etc etc etc... But I won't water down the post. I'll get all that out in another post. But do know we are good. I am incredibly blessed to have such a great husband, Bella, Farrah, parents, in-laws and friends. I am always learning from God through my Hallie. I'm learning in grief and I've never had to do that before. God has not left me hanging. I'm learning to let go of my plans and seek the next step. I'm excited about the future (what ever that is) but also learning that it's understandable to just be sad in strange moments.
Thank you for all your prayers this past YEAR! Love you all.
