Hi friends who are still around reading :) I've wanted to sit down and blog for a while, and have attempted to do so a few times. But I've either been too busy to think about what to write, or I don't know where to start. Between the day-to-day activities around here and the activity in my head - it all seems too overwhelming to write a simple blog post on. The truth is, I don't know where to go from here. On my blog or kinda just in general. I mean - I know I'm going to be OK - but I'm still recovering emotionally. I put so much thought, energy, prayer and EVERYTHING into preparing for Hallie and all that came with it. Now what?

Today Hallie would be 3 months old. I honestly don't dread these anniversaries. Maybe because half the time I don't know what the date or day of the week it is! I think next Christmas will be the hardest. But I also can't help but think what she'd be doing right now. The smiles, tummy time, and I really miss that sweet baby smell. There's nothing like a sleepy, full, cuddly baby and how you can just feel like all is right with the world. I really do try to get those sweet moments in Bella and Farrah. Just soak them up. They are both getting so big now. I don't have "babies" anymore - they are turning into little girls for sure!

So I've found that I've been obsessing focused on different things to keep me busy. I like to be busy, by nature. But I've always been a disorganized busy. I start 100 projects at the same time to MAYBE finish one. But right now I'm all over it! If you need me to come organize your closet - call me. Just kidding. But really - I repainted all the trim in our house. I organized everything - closets, pantries, crafts - everything! Now I'm putting all that energy into losing this baby weight (can I just say it's not fair to have baby weight. I won't go on and on about that). I don't think I'm necessarily avoiding thinking about Hallie - that is IMPOSSIBLE. I think I'm just more focused. Or maybe trying to control things that I feel like I can control. I don't know. But I'm going with it.

I miss Hallie. I really really do. I miss not knowing what a family of 5 is like. I think about her so much, there's no way to count. They are not always sad thoughts. Most of them aren't actually. I have sweet reminders of her all time time. It's almost like a song always playing in the background. I am doing well, I'll just always have a piece of my heart missing.

I appreciate having friends who have been through this and they just get it. I know I've said that many times, but as time goes on I appreciate it more.  A few women who know all the thoughts, experiences, sorrow and JOY in this journey. Without saying a word they get it. It makes me feel normal and not alone.

Like I said... I'm not sure where to go. I'm just living life as best I can day-to-day trying not to worry about the future. That doesn't always happen. I still fret over the little things. One would think I wouldn't after going through my biggest fear in life! But it does.

If you are still reading this post after that scrambled post... thank you! I'm telling you - I would need to post everyday to get all my thoughts journaled. But I just haven't been taking the time. Hince the scrambled thoughts.

Thank you for being such great friends.

2 months

Sweet Hallie would have been 2 months old today! Instead of focusing on the things I'm going to miss out on, like taking her picture each month with the pink bear, I like to think about it as "it's been two months since I met my precious third daughter!" I am glad I don't dread each 19th of the month. I know a part of that is just being thankful that I was able to meet her. Each of those 5 days were a gift that I never knew I would get. It will never be enough, but they were precious, sacred days that I'm glad I had.

I have no idea how to communicate how much I have learned and continue to learn through our pregnancy and loss of Hallie. I feel like I'll never really FULLY be able to do so. I just know in my own heart, this whole journey has changed me. I mean, of course it did. It is a huge loss. I will forever walk around on this earth feeling like a part of my heart is missing. Forever. One day I'll be reunited with Hallie. Until then... I just have those 5 days to hold on to.

It still all feels surreal, like an out of body experience in many ways. It's little things that can sometimes trigger sadness - like seeing pictures of women in the hospital with their newborns. Because that was most of my reality with Hallie - in a hospital bed, just holding her. When I see those pictures, it takes me right back to those moments. Or having moments of regret (which, I don't have anything to regret - but Satan can make you guess every decision you made and make you wonder it you did all the right things!) It's a vain attempt to try put a reason on why things happened or try to think that I had any control over Hallie's diagnosis or time with us in the first place.

2 months ago Hallie was born! I miss her like the DICKENS. I sometimes wonder what our life would be like right now with two crazy girls wrestling in one room while I'm feeding a newborn. Or getting some good smiles out of a sweet smelling baby. But I continue to feel and choose to feel lucky and blessed. Blessed that I got to spend five days with her. Blessed that I was able to share her story. And blessed that she matters to God and I was the mother of an angel. It doesn't always take the hurt away, but there is peace most of the time and for that I am thankful!

Hope From Hallie is coming along!!! As of this week, we are now filed as a Non-Profit Corporation, thanks to an awesome friend!! I have some great ideas for it... but trying to figure out the best way to honor families and help them have memories of their babies forever. More to come, but thank you for your generous donations. It has meant so much and I'm so excited to get to help others in similar situations!! I can't wait to officially decide on what my game plan is and to share it with you!!!

"Hallelujah" (the song Casey Darnell and Chris wrote) was recorded and it sounds AWESOME!!! How special. I am getting to the point where I can listen without crying now :) It's such a sweet song. I can't wait to share it with you.

These days

This month I've had so much help. Thank you for the meals, the house cleaning, and for Bella and Farrah's wonderful teachers that provide such a cool environment for them. The girls have been going to "school" almost the whole month. (Minus some sick days last week). I was hesitant about this at first, because what was I going to do by myself all month??!? My girls are my "job!" And I love my job. But Chris & friends kept reminding me to take time to physically heal and just take advantage of the time alone while I have it. I guess a month in the scheme of things isn't that long. Even though I have missed them! But I've enjoyed doing some house projects, a few lunches, starting a new women's study and napping. :)

What I didn't do until this week was start to get my head back in the game. I'm still kinda floating at times it seems. Not so much sad, just floating. So I appreciate not having to do as much of my "job" lately - I haven't cooked, deep cleaned much, etc. It's amazing with all of that being done for me- that I can still feel "busy." My body isn't always moving, but my mind is always racing.

I'm doing well, though. I want you to know that. I think I'll always have a part of my heart missing. There are times when I go through short times of anger or longer times of sadness. It will come out of nowhere, of course, just like you hear grief does. For example, I passed by my beta fish "Goldielocks" last week and found myself angry. Angry that this stupid fish has been around way longer than beta fish are suppose to be around. Why that fish is living and why my daughter isn't doesn't make since to me. It's not fair. But life isn't fair. But God is bigger than the fish and bigger than Hallie and bigger than me. And I think that the fact that I can say that and have faith that our God is BIG is what protects my heart in so many ways.

Honestly, like I've mentioned many times before - I have always been afraid of losing a child or a loved one and wondering how I'd ever survive!! I didn't think I could. (Like, this was a fear that would keep me up some nights.) Fear like this is not from God, by the way. So the fact that I've actually survived and doing alright is even astonishing to me sometimes. Because I never had faith that I could make it, much less that God would carry me through it. I can't believe I am ok. But the fact is, I survived. And so I know in my own heart that I didn't get through this alone. Because I know left to my own devices, I could not have. I feel like God is so much more real to me after going through this. God not only got me through it, but blessed me so much in the process. (Weird to say I feel blessed, I know! But it's how I feel and I'm so glad I am able to say that.)

I also pleaded with and told God early on in finding out about Hallie having Trisomy 13 (at 14 weeks) that I "could handle a miscarriage right now, but please don't take me all the way to the end of this pregnancy only to loose a baby!!" Of course that changed around about 18 weeks maybe... when I could feel life moving around in me. Then it became, "Oh God, please let me make it to the end of this pregnancy and let me meet her!!" And although I am extremely thankful that I was able to meet Hallie and hold her, I also have to remind myself that He still would be good if I hadn't gotten to. That kinda rocks my world when I think about it. There are plenty of women who don't get time with their babies. Or there are women who get many more days with their babies than I got. When you lose a baby, no time is ever really enough.

There just IS a peace that surpasses all understanding. I intimately know that to be true now.

Please keep Kara and Jonathan in your prayers this weekend as they get ready to welcome baby Dalton into the world on Monday!! I am excited for her to meet her first born; her sweet baby boy.

Hallie's Memorial Video

Here is Hallie's memorial from January 7th - for those of you who could not attend and for those of you who want to hear the awesome music from our friends again.

So many emotions come in seeing this for me -- the service was just so nice and was such a good healing thing. I love ALL of the music and I will treasure the video at the beginning forever. But it also makes me miss Hallie - seeing her move around and in my arms. It was so real when she was here and it feels so weird to be moving on - day by day, week by week without her.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to all of those who helped make this service so excellent for us. It means so much.

Doing well

I've sat down to write several times but not sure what to say. At least with my "weekly pregnancy updates" I had categories to fill out and something to go by. There is no handbook on how to go through grief or a loss. Well, I guess there are books... but no one certain way to go through it nor the abliity to know how you are going to handle it yourself.

Because, like I've said several times, I thought I would SURELY fall over and die if I were to go through a big loss such as this. So there have been times when I was perplexed at why I am OK. I'm not totally fine all the time, but for the most part (like 95% of the time!) I function just fine and can laugh, carry on conversations like normal, and enjoy life.

One of the reasons why I thought I was doing well is that I have been in safe groups. Everywhere I've gone, I've been around people that already know our story. So not only do I know that these people have been praying for us, but I also don't have new people asking me "So.. how many kids do you have" or those hard questions. Meghan said it so well in this post. I have read this a few times and thought, "This is so true!" Especially the part about being out and about and you don't understand why people don't see that you're not a whole person; that a part of you is missing.

Some of the other local women I've met through my pregnancy who are walking the same "Trisomy" road got together last night (and the husbands this time!) It's so nice to be with people who just get it. I know I've said that before, but it's so true. These women are walking right ahead of me or right behind me in this journey and we can easily talk about things that others just don't understand. And we can encourage and help each other. Such a blessing. Kara and Jeannie both have started blogs recently... would you pray for them? They are due with their little boys (Dalton and Porter, respectively) in the next couple of months and could use prayer & all the encouraging words that you all gave me!

Here's a picture of our big group Saturday night! Aren't these some pretty ladies!? Their faith is even more amazing.


I continue to also be so encouraged by Sandra (on the far left) who had her daughter, Holland about 4 months before Hallie. She said something Saturday that I hadn't thought of before. She said for her, it was like Holland was never really hers - like she was God's all along. That it was her job and her joy to carry her and be her mom. That when Holland passed, she was just handing her back to the One who made her. So true!! We are just the lucky moms (and I do mean that, lucky!) to have held angels. (I think Sandra needs to start a blog, because she just says great things!!)

Another thing someone said is that when you lose a baby, it's not so much that you grieve the memories like you with other losses, but you will grieve the milestones of where that baby would be. (For instance, first days of school, first birthdays, etc.) And I see that. Right now, Chris and I find ourselves just feeling like something is missing in our family. Like we "should be" rocking and putting three daughters to bed, not just two. And that hole will never be filled.

Anyways... those are some of my thoughts right now. Know that we are doing pretty well and thank you so so much for the prayers throughout all of this! They have meant so much.

*

Doing ok

Hi friends,

We are doing well here. I think the healing process is going be like a roller coaster, much like the pregnancy was, but also different. We have mostly been resting and hanging with out the girls - the best medicine in the world. I am functioning much like normal, except still healing from the c-section. I find I ask myself a lot, "Why am I ok?? I just lost my sweet baby. I should not be ok!!" While pregnant, I imagined myself not leaving the house for at least a month. To not really want to talk to anyone for a while. Goes to show that you can't plan grief. I guess it will come in waves and hit me when I'm least expecting it?

But then I also remember that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18. He was not surprised by the number of days Hallie lived. He gave us 4 days, 13 hours and 45 minutes to hold her and soak her in. He was faithful in giving us time we so badly wanted. Why should I be surprised that He hasn't left me now?

The thing I want you to know is that I want to talk about Hallie. I always will. I find myself going through pictures over and over, so that I don't forget a thing about her. She had perfect soft skin and baby smell, a perfect round head, little fuzzy hair like Farrah did as an infant, a cow-lick like Chris, made those cute baby sounds, squeaks and cries, loved for me to rub her head. I sang to her and spoke to her. We realized a couple of days into her being here that she may not have been able to hear. But she knew me, there is no doubt. She calmed down to my touch. She knew her mama.

Right now, the only thing I fear is forgetting all the little things about her. It all happened so fast and with pain medicine from the c-section, and little-to-no sleep, it all feels like a blur in some ways. Like a dream. So, please, do not be afraid to talk about Hallie to Chris or I. She will always be that missing part of our family, and when I talk about her, it helps me remember.