Thursday, December 29, 2011

Doing ok

Hi friends,

We are doing well here. I think the healing process is going be like a roller coaster, much like the pregnancy was, but also different. We have mostly been resting and hanging with out the girls - the best medicine in the world. I am functioning much like normal, except still healing from the c-section. I find I ask myself a lot, "Why am I ok?? I just lost my sweet baby. I should not be ok!!" While pregnant, I imagined myself not leaving the house for at least a month. To not really want to talk to anyone for a while. Goes to show that you can't plan grief. I guess it will come in waves and hit me when I'm least expecting it?

But then I also remember that "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18. He was not surprised by the number of days Hallie lived. He gave us 4 days, 13 hours and 45 minutes to hold her and soak her in. He was faithful in giving us time we so badly wanted. Why should I be surprised that He hasn't left me now?

The thing I want you to know is that I want to talk about Hallie. I always will. I find myself going through pictures over and over, so that I don't forget a thing about her. She had perfect soft skin and baby smell, a perfect round head, little fuzzy hair like Farrah did as an infant, a cow-lick like Chris, made those cute baby sounds, squeaks and cries, loved for me to rub her head. I sang to her and spoke to her. We realized a couple of days into her being here that she may not have been able to hear. But she knew me, there is no doubt. She calmed down to my touch. She knew her mama.
Hallie cow lick
Right now, the only thing I fear is forgetting all the little things about her. It all happened so fast and with pain medicine from the c-section, and little-to-no sleep, it all feels like a blur in some ways. Like a dream. So, please, do not be afraid to talk about Hallie to Chris or I. She will always be that missing part of our family, and when I talk about her, it helps me remember.
Hallie's hand

22 comments:

Rauna said...

Beautiful. As time passes you will find that your memories won't fade...they become sweeter. She will always be with you, every moment of every day. Much love from the Hart family.

KatAp said...

Katie, your Hallie will always, always be a treasure to you. And your love for her won't fade nor the moments you have stored in your heart. Know that we want to hear about your Hallie and love to listen to you talk about your love for her. She is your third daughter, and that won't change because her time here was short. She will always be part of your family. I am thanking God for your 4 days, 13 hours, and 45 minutes with her, and I am praying for His grace and comfort in every minute without her.

Alyson & Jeff Elder said...

Simply amazing.

I know God won't let you forget a thing about Hallie. He will probably even remind you of little things you think you've forgotten that you will remember all of a sudden out of the blue. That is our God! :)

Pamela said...

Oh Katie, she was perfectly beautiful! And I loved that she had the cowlick like her daddy! And I believe her spirit will be around you always. Don't worry, you will never forget anything about her. She was and is very special. She touched so many people and we will never forget her either. Thanks for sharing your story with all of us. I don't know you, but I went to high school with your mom. She probably doesn't remember me, because I was quiet and shy then, but I remember her. I don't believe it was just a coincidence that I found your blog through her blog and became interested in your family's story. God is amazing! I am happy for you that you got to meet and hold onto your sweet baby for the 4 and a half days. I've read of so many that never made it to be born. And you got to hold her and smell her sweet baby smell and touch her soft skin and rub her sweet little head. What a blessing! Praise the Lord! I will continue praying for you and your family. Much love and blessings! Pam

Julie Tiemann said...

Oh sweet Katie, I just love your heart. I've said it before and I'll say it again: God knew EXACTLY what He was doing when He hand-picked you to be her mommy. I have no doubt that she knew your touch instantly. We won't forget Hallie ever, and she'll always be your third daughter to those of us blessed to have "known" her. Please, please talk about her until you're blue in the face. :) We love you and your precious, precious family. All five of you.

The Lockharts said...

Thank you for sharing that post with us. You guys have been covered constantly in prayer and I know our God is big enough to handle all or thoughts and fears. I can't wait to see how this sweet baby changes your lives even more than she already has. I know He has some AWESOME plans in store for you family because of the life Halllie lived. You guys will continue to touch more and more people because of her.

Unknown said...

I am do glad that you want to talk about her. I was so disappointed that we were out of town and I didn't get to meet her. I am looking forward to flipping through pictures and having you describe her to me. I can't wait to tell you about the conversations that I have had with my girls as a result of Hallie's precious days. Hope to get down there soon!
xoxo~~ Katie P

Kimberly Elrod said...

Katie, Your words are so sweet and I can see the Lord all over you. I found your family blog on facebook and my family has been praying for yours. Our hearts are so tender to your because we had a baby in May that was born with Hydrocephalus. It was a long pregnancy and we did not know what his life would look like. We have spent much time at Egleston in Atlanta. I never knew the Lord would love on me so much in my weakness. Your strength is beautiful and such a picture of the Lord. Thank you for sharing your heart. In His Love Kim ELrod
www.kimelrod.blogspot.com

Joy said...

Thank you, Katie, for sharing your heart and wishes. Beautifully said.

Emily said...

Those days with hallie were such a gift from god. Throughout your pregnancy so many of us prayed specifically that you wiuld have enough time with her to know her! And you did!!! at first I was so sad when I heard you would have to have a csection, but I know you will probably wear that scar with pride as a reminder of your sweet angel.

Cristin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cristin said...

Thank you for allowing us readers to be apart of this journey with you. Jesus shines through you and your words. Thank you for sharing Hallie with us. May God's warmth continue to cover you and your family during this most delicate time, as well as the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. Hallie will always be a part of you and how sweet it is for all of us to witness her miraculous life here on earth. It takes me back to to Matthew 17:20 He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Hallie being the small miracle that she was moved mountains in her short little life. She taught us all that no matter how big or small, every life can leave an impact.

May God bless you and your beautiful family.

Carla Ellis said...

Katie, you are just the way God intended you to be, beautiful and strong. Hallie is a precious gift from God and has touched so many lives; has brought people to faith! What an amazing accomplishment on behalf of God. The man upstairs works in mysterious ways, often times people do no understand.The LORD will give strength unto his people; the LORD will bless his people with peace.Ps 29:11 Katie, I pray that the Good Lord bring you comfort and peace. You will be able to always keep the memory of Hallie alive. God's grace and mercy are so plentiful! We serve a Mighty Mighty GOD!

Lisa said...

Awww Katie & Chris... that picture of Hallie's lil hand is one of sweetest I've ever seen!
Love & Prayers!
Lisa Queen Shepley

Jill said...

I love this Katie. So true...it's been something about grief that I've found you don't know until you walk through it. If you aren't the one going through it, you think "don't bring it up"...then once you experience it, you realize, wow, you WANT to talk about that loved one. Anyway, I just loved that you put it out there on your blog so that everyone knows. I very much look forward to reading and hearing more in the days and years to come about your sweet Hallie. No doubt, every moment, she knew how deeply loved she was. What a gift.

Cecilia said...

My story is not exactly like yours (our son was stillborn), but I can agree with you that grief comes in waves. Your Hallie is beautiful and I'm so glad you were able to meet her on Earth. I often say that knowing our son is in heaven just gave me a tangible appreciation for it. I pray you have peace in the coming days.

Monica said...

Your Hallie is beautiful. I just wanted to reach out to you as another Trisomy 13 mom. My son Evan Andrew was born on March 10, 2009 and passed away on March 16, 2009. I have met some amazing Trisomy mom's who have helped me with the grieving process so much.
My email is monica6575@sbcglobal.net
Evan's blog is www.monicalynnb.blogspot .com
A verse that helps we through the day is John 16:22 Therefore you may have sorrow, but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice and your joy no man will take from you.

apitts said...

I think about my sweet Matthew (T18) daily, imagining that he is being rocked by his Grandmother in heaven. I held him as an angel, for 10 brief hours. The pictures will help you recall the moments, but the closeness you feel to her and our Lord will never fade!

Stephanie Butler said...

Your family and story of sweet Hallie is such an inspiration to every parent out there. I think your message of hope, strength, and faith resonate with so many of us, whether we have loved and lost or not...my Cousin, Meggan Eller Delano cannot say enough nice things about how precious your family is and what a gift you two are...I hope to get the opportunity to meet you one day. I pray for you daily, and am inspired by you and your love for such a sweet time in your life. Thank you for sharing a bit of your world with us.

Courtney Fowler said...

Katie, you continue to be an inspiration to me! Still thinking of y'all and praying for you every day.
Much love,
Courtney

Jodi Casey said...

I share so many of those feelings you posted. It has been 2 years and I think about little Brooke everyday. I don't ever want to forget anything about her. We were blessed to have her in our lives for 14 days. I cherish every single memory. I wear her hand and foot print on my heart daily. God is holding you all right now.

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