I had NO idea how I would feel. No two people's grief is the same. And no two days of my own grief are the same, really. I didn't plan anything. Because I wasn't sure if I'd want to do anything. If I'd want to be around anyone. How do you plan something like that anyways? I knew I wanted to celebrate her, but I also felt a sadness coming over. With the holidays approaching and feeling like I'm right back to figuring out what Christmas looks like again... last year was just so different. I feel myself getting overwhelmed out shopping because I just miss last year... focusing on just her.
A few days ago, Bella had her first real emotional time with missing Hallie. I think it's the season, too. Remembering her. And listening to her song in the car this weekend, she just boo-hoo'd. Bella is sensitive, but she's never done this before (about Hallie). She said she just really misses Hallie and thinks about her everyday. We talked about how it was ok to cry, that mommy does sometimes too. It was good. And then in true 5 year old fashion, she was back to normal in 5 minutes.
So, the morning of Hallie's birthday I was still unsure. Unsure about what to do. It was my intention to keep Bella home from preschool, and for us three to just cuddle all day. Except that would only last the length of a cartoon. I decided I needed a day to myself. Really just to nap and be quiet for a while. The girls confirmed this when they woke up with a sweet spirit of remembering Hallie! They were excited to have muffins on our special birthday plate and Farrah even sung Happy Birthday. Bella requested that we make a special treat that she could take to school to celebrate Hallie's birthday (like everyone does, so it made sense to her!) We made some quick treats and she was kinda speaking and asking rhetorically, "It would be Hallie's first birthday. But she's not here. She's in heaven. That doesn't make sense that she died, she wasn't even 40 lbs yet!" (her weight, haha)
And that stuck with me. It doesn't make sense. And we are sad. We miss having a third sister. Another daughter. Another granddaughter. But we love her like the other two, and I feel blessed to have had a few days with her. Many more would have been wonderful. 500 other pictures of her would have been great. But NONE of it would have ever been ENOUGH. So I just agree - it doesn't make sense. I don't have all the answers. But we love you, Hallie, and we praise God for you.
So... after a wonderful mid-day nap, Chris and the girls came home around 2. We then felt confident in our emotions and that it would be nice to be with the family that surrounded us those 5 days. So we all got together and ate dinner. And celebrated just being together. And got excited about new babies coming next year (Christina is due with Aspen any day now, and Ryan and Melissa are expecting in May!) Melissa had a lantern that we lit in honor of Hallie's one year. It was cool and fun - and got stuck in a tree. Dad ran and got a blower, and we were able to retrieve it and let it go again. Lots of laughs and love and hope. Just what we needed. And then Chris and I just soaked in two precious, precious sweet girls passed out in the van on the way home. Love our families. Love our girls so much.
Thanks for your continued prayers! We hope you have a very merry Christmas!!!