the little green family

Hi friends who are still around reading :) I've wanted to sit down and blog for a while, and have attempted to do so a few times. But I've either been too busy to think about what to write, or I don't know where to start. Between the day-to-day activities around here and the activity in my head - it all seems too overwhelming to write a simple blog post on. The truth is, I don't know where to go from here. On my blog or kinda just in general. I mean - I know I'm going to be OK - but I'm still recovering emotionally. I put so much thought, energy, prayer and EVERYTHING into preparing for Hallie and all that came with it. Now what?

Today Hallie would be 3 months old. I honestly don't dread these anniversaries. Maybe because half the time I don't know what the date or day of the week it is! I think next Christmas will be the hardest. But I also can't help but think what she'd be doing right now. The smiles, tummy time, and I really miss that sweet baby smell. There's nothing like a sleepy, full, cuddly baby and how you can just feel like all is right with the world. I really do try to get those sweet moments in Bella and Farrah. Just soak them up. They are both getting so big now. I don't have "babies" anymore - they are turning into little girls for sure!

So I've found that I've been obsessing focused on different things to keep me busy. I like to be busy, by nature. But I've always been a disorganized busy. I start 100 projects at the same time to MAYBE finish one. But right now I'm all over it! If you need me to come organize your closet - call me. Just kidding. But really - I repainted all the trim in our house. I organized everything - closets, pantries, crafts - everything! Now I'm putting all that energy into losing this baby weight (can I just say it's not fair to have baby weight. I won't go on and on about that). I don't think I'm necessarily avoiding thinking about Hallie - that is IMPOSSIBLE. I think I'm just more focused. Or maybe trying to control things that I feel like I can control. I don't know. But I'm going with it.

I miss Hallie. I really really do. I miss not knowing what a family of 5 is like. I think about her so much, there's no way to count. They are not always sad thoughts. Most of them aren't actually. I have sweet reminders of her all time time. It's almost like a song always playing in the background. I am doing well, I'll just always have a piece of my heart missing.

I appreciate having friends who have been through this and they just get it. I know I've said that many times, but as time goes on I appreciate it more.  A few women who know all the thoughts, experiences, sorrow and JOY in this journey. Without saying a word they get it. It makes me feel normal and not alone.

Like I said... I'm not sure where to go. I'm just living life as best I can day-to-day trying not to worry about the future. That doesn't always happen. I still fret over the little things. One would think I wouldn't after going through my biggest fear in life! But it does.

If you are still reading this post after that scrambled post... thank you! I'm telling you - I would need to post everyday to get all my thoughts journaled. But I just haven't been taking the time. Hince the scrambled thoughts.

Thank you for being such great friends.