Monday, March 19, 2012

Hi friends who are still around reading :) I've wanted to sit down and blog for a while, and have attempted to do so a few times. But I've either been too busy to think about what to write, or I don't know where to start. Between the day-to-day activities around here and the activity in my head - it all seems too overwhelming to write a simple blog post on. The truth is, I don't know where to go from here. On my blog or kinda just in general. I mean - I know I'm going to be OK - but I'm still recovering emotionally. I put so much thought, energy, prayer and EVERYTHING into preparing for Hallie and all that came with it. Now what?

Today Hallie would be 3 months old. I honestly don't dread these anniversaries. Maybe because half the time I don't know what the date or day of the week it is! I think next Christmas will be the hardest. But I also can't help but think what she'd be doing right now. The smiles, tummy time, and I really miss that sweet baby smell. There's nothing like a sleepy, full, cuddly baby and how you can just feel like all is right with the world. I really do try to get those sweet moments in Bella and Farrah. Just soak them up. They are both getting so big now. I don't have "babies" anymore - they are turning into little girls for sure!

So I've found that I've been obsessing focused on different things to keep me busy. I like to be busy, by nature. But I've always been a disorganized busy. I start 100 projects at the same time to MAYBE finish one. But right now I'm all over it! If you need me to come organize your closet - call me. Just kidding. But really - I repainted all the trim in our house. I organized everything - closets, pantries, crafts - everything! Now I'm putting all that energy into losing this baby weight (can I just say it's not fair to have baby weight. I won't go on and on about that). I don't think I'm necessarily avoiding thinking about Hallie - that is IMPOSSIBLE. I think I'm just more focused. Or maybe trying to control things that I feel like I can control. I don't know. But I'm going with it.

I miss Hallie. I really really do. I miss not knowing what a family of 5 is like. I think about her so much, there's no way to count. They are not always sad thoughts. Most of them aren't actually. I have sweet reminders of her all time time. It's almost like a song always playing in the background. I am doing well, I'll just always have a piece of my heart missing.

I appreciate having friends who have been through this and they just get it. I know I've said that many times, but as time goes on I appreciate it more.  A few women who know all the thoughts, experiences, sorrow and JOY in this journey. Without saying a word they get it. It makes me feel normal and not alone.

Like I said... I'm not sure where to go. I'm just living life as best I can day-to-day trying not to worry about the future. That doesn't always happen. I still fret over the little things. One would think I wouldn't after going through my biggest fear in life! But it does.

If you are still reading this post after that scrambled post... thank you! I'm telling you - I would need to post everyday to get all my thoughts journaled. But I just haven't been taking the time. Hince the scrambled thoughts.

Thank you for being such great friends.

16 comments:

The Adams Family said...

Love you!

Made, Born, and Carried said...

Well said sweet friend! You are expressing love and life and family (including Hallie) beautifully as you speak from your heart! So glad to be able to call you friend. We are forever changed but will not be forever broken. He is mending our hearts as we speak. Love Porter's mommy

Lis said...

Still here, checking in on you everyday. If you need to post everyday, then do.. Get your thoughts out, it will help. We love you and were still praying for you!
Lisa from Dothan, AL

Emily said...

Continuing to lift you up in prayer. it is a new journey you are on now and you are handling it all so beautifully!

Kim Robbins said...

I have been wondering how you and your family are doing, and then wha-la, you post! You are still in my prayers and thoughts. You don't know me, but that doesn't matter, I worry about you anyway! Take care of yourself, as well as your family! With love!

Kate said...

I can relate to every thought and feeling you have noted here - scrambled or not. Isn't it bizarre fretting about the little things after experiencing your worst fear? I find it funny sometimes, and a bit maddening too. I don't know that that will ever change - we're human. I suppose it keeps us "real" and able to relate to others... which is what we are really here to do. I appreciate you being able to share your thoughts, admire your faith and I just love following your sweet little family through this blog.

Kate (Lucy's mommy, T13)

sandra said...

i just had to giggle through some of this because it's so my life. except i'm in the 100 projects started and not finished stage.. some were from when i was pregnant. i definitely get it and living it...you're not alone. sandra

Kim Harner said...

I think you've said it perfectly and it's so heart felt! Of course we read, silly! :) If you post everyday we'll read it every day!

Anonymous said...

Katie,
We are ALL still reading bc you are so real and honest. I am praying for you constantly and trying to hug my family a little tighter and appreciate all the time I have with my kids. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your journey. And, thank you for helping us all live life openly. I will keep reading these blogs until you stop writing.

Lisa Marcia said...

Always appreciate you and your "scrambled" thoughts! They bring clarity to life in their simple and honest presentation.

Anonymous said...

Katie,
I wish I knew what to say to you and how to encourage you as you are going through this hard time in your life. I only found your blog today and read some of the posts. Your struggle moved my heart and I am going to be praying for you. I am not a mother, but I hope to someday have a family as beautiful as yours. Remember that God never leaves us and trust Him through everything.
Roxy from Romania, EU

Jocelyn said...

Katie,

I wanted to thank you for sharing your journey and for being so open and honest. I admire your faith. I have struggled over the years to fully put in my trust in God. Through Hallie and your blog I can honestly say that you both have been my "light" as Andy Stanley said today! So thank you! Keep writing whatever you feel, I will be here reading :)

Julie Tiemann said...

Hey sweet friend, still here, still reading, and always will be. Love your heart, your honesty, and even your ramblings (which are more eloquent than you realize).

I would actually love to take you up on the offer to organize my house - ha!

Joy said...

Hey Beautiful, Friend!

I don't know how I missed this when it posted the first time?! I was smiling while reading through a lot of this. I am right there with you with starting the 100 projects! I LOVE what you said about Hallie being like music in the background. That is beautifully put.
I love you! You are amazing. You make me want to be better... at everything.
I'm so grateful you are in my life.

Tesha said...

I I am stopping by from Kelly's link up. I read some of Hallie's story. She was a wonderful Christmas gift indeed. I am so sorry you had to walk this difficult path. I said goodbye to my Jonathan born sleeping 1-24-12. I am happy to have found your beautiful blog.

Ann said...

I love the analogy of the song playing in the background. Hugs.