Because, like I've said several times, I thought I would SURELY fall over and die if I were to go through a big loss such as this. So there have been times when I was perplexed at why I am OK. I'm not totally fine all the time, but for the most part (like 95% of the time!) I function just fine and can laugh, carry on conversations like normal, and enjoy life.
One of the reasons why I thought I was doing well is that I have been in safe groups. Everywhere I've gone, I've been around people that already know our story. So not only do I know that these people have been praying for us, but I also don't have new people asking me "So.. how many kids do you have" or those hard questions. Meghan said it so well in this post. I have read this a few times and thought, "This is so true!" Especially the part about being out and about and you don't understand why people don't see that you're not a whole person; that a part of you is missing.
Some of the other local women I've met through my pregnancy who are walking the same "Trisomy" road got together last night (and the husbands this time!) It's so nice to be with people who just get it. I know I've said that before, but it's so true. These women are walking right ahead of me or right behind me in this journey and we can easily talk about things that others just don't understand. And we can encourage and help each other. Such a blessing. Kara and Jeannie both have started blogs recently... would you pray for them? They are due with their little boys (Dalton and Porter, respectively) in the next couple of months and could use prayer & all the encouraging words that you all gave me!
Here's a picture of our big group Saturday night! Aren't these some pretty ladies!? Their faith is even more amazing.
I continue to also be so encouraged by Sandra (on the far left) who had her daughter, Holland about 4 months before Hallie. She said something Saturday that I hadn't thought of before. She said for her, it was like Holland was never really hers - like she was God's all along. That it was her job and her joy to carry her and be her mom. That when Holland passed, she was just handing her back to the One who made her. So true!! We are just the lucky moms (and I do mean that, lucky!) to have held angels. (I think Sandra needs to start a blog, because she just says great things!!)
Another thing someone said is that when you lose a baby, it's not so much that you grieve the memories like you with other losses, but you will grieve the milestones of where that baby would be. (For instance, first days of school, first birthdays, etc.) And I see that. Right now, Chris and I find ourselves just feeling like something is missing in our family. Like we "should be" rocking and putting three daughters to bed, not just two. And that hole will never be filled.
Anyways... those are some of my thoughts right now. Know that we are doing pretty well and thank you so so much for the prayers throughout all of this! They have meant so much.
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9 comments:
SO awesome that you have such a great support group. It's such a blessing to have people who understand what you're going through. Keeping you in prayers and thankful you're doing so well with everything. Remember that it's okay not to always be strong, sometimes you gotta just be sad and mad and get it out of your system and that's ok!!!
Katie, still thinking and prayig for you guys. I am encouraged by your grace everyday.
Love that picture - I only know two of you in it, but I see such strength and beauty in all of those faces.
I also love my Green bracelet. :) It reminds me to pray for you guys every single day, sometimes several times a day! Hugs!
Oh, I am so glad you know Sandra. I don't know if you knew her before, but I'm glad you know her now. I sat with Sandra at her house about 2 weeks after Holland died and talked through a lot of things (I'm 8.5 years out from the loss of my 24 day old)... I knew she would reach out to others and use her loss as a ministry. (yes, she should start a blog) Having that support is wonderful. Many prayers to all of you.
I am praying for you and now for your friends as well. I would like to recommend a book for you and your friends. I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy By: Angie Smith
I COMPLETLY agree with the part that you said about missing all the milestones and like there is a hole in your family. Every milestone we have hit with Bryon makes me cry cause I think we never had the chance to do this with Reece. But I then think about how he is whole and in no more pain!! We miss him just as much today as we did the day after he passed. I am happy for you that you have that support group, it helps to talk to other Moms who have gone through or are going through the same thing. You are such a strong woman and I am happy to be able to find strength in your stort that makes me stronger!!
I was introduced to your blog/story on Facebook, and I must tell you that you have really moved me with your faithfulness and strength. I know you say that you haven't been that strong, but you have been amazing. You are an inspiration, and even though I have never suffered through a tragedy like this, it makes me appreciate my two children that much more. Thank you for that! And if someone asks you how many children you have, proudly tell them that you have three daughters, and they are all beautiful!
I know you are getting a lot of support from your loving family and wonderful circle of friends, and now from other mothers going through the heartbreak of Trisomy diagnosis, but if you have a Griefshare program at your church, I would encourage you to look into it. It has helped me see how each individual loss is unique and your response to grief can't be pigeonholed as the "right" or "wrong" way to deal with your loss. It is also a wonderful outlet to provide support for others whose loss may be more recent and more raw. Don't be surprised by the ups and downs of your emotions, or by being ambushed by sadness when you thought maybe the worst was over. Your family is in my prayers.
when you wrote about "safe groups" i am reminded about how painful the comment "boy do you have your hands full" was the first time i heard it after jedidiah died (and yes- that word never gets easy to say). the person saying that comment was totally ignorant and innocent but it still did hurt. i hope that you can remain in safe groups until you feel strong enough to take on the world- and then when you do- babysteps. just a little branching at a time. God bless your heart katie. and hold it. close.
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