I've sat down to write several times but not sure what to say. At least with my "weekly pregnancy updates" I had categories to fill out and something to go by. There is no handbook on how to go through grief or a loss. Well, I guess there are books... but no one certain way to go through it nor the abliity to know how you are going to handle it yourself.
Because, like I've said several times, I thought I would SURELY fall over and die if I were to go through a big loss such as this. So there have been times when I was perplexed at why I am OK. I'm not totally fine all the time, but for the most part (like 95% of the time!) I function just fine and can laugh, carry on conversations like normal, and enjoy life.
One of the reasons why I thought I was doing well is that I have been in safe groups. Everywhere I've gone, I've been around people that already know our story. So not only do I know that these people have been praying for us, but I also don't have new people asking me "So.. how many kids do you have" or those hard questions. Meghan said it so well in this post. I have read this a few times and thought, "This is so true!" Especially the part about being out and about and you don't understand why people don't see that you're not a whole person; that a part of you is missing.
Some of the other local women I've met through my pregnancy who are walking the same "Trisomy" road got together last night (and the husbands this time!) It's so nice to be with people who just get it. I know I've said that before, but it's so true. These women are walking right ahead of me or right behind me in this journey and we can easily talk about things that others just don't understand. And we can encourage and help each other. Such a blessing. Kara and Jeannie both have started blogs recently... would you pray for them? They are due with their little boys (Dalton and Porter, respectively) in the next couple of months and could use prayer & all the encouraging words that you all gave me!
Here's a picture of our big group Saturday night! Aren't these some pretty ladies!? Their faith is even more amazing.
I continue to also be so encouraged by Sandra (on the far left) who had her daughter, Holland about 4 months before Hallie. She said something Saturday that I hadn't thought of before. She said for her, it was like Holland was never really hers - like she was God's all along. That it was her job and her joy to carry her and be her mom. That when Holland passed, she was just handing her back to the One who made her. So true!! We are just the lucky moms (and I do mean that, lucky!) to have held angels. (I think Sandra needs to start a blog, because she just says great things!!)
Another thing someone said is that when you lose a baby, it's not so much that you grieve the memories like you with other losses, but you will grieve the milestones of where that baby would be. (For instance, first days of school, first birthdays, etc.) And I see that. Right now, Chris and I find ourselves just feeling like something is missing in our family. Like we "should be" rocking and putting three daughters to bed, not just two. And that hole will never be filled.
Anyways... those are some of my thoughts right now. Know that we are doing pretty well and thank you so so much for the prayers throughout all of this! They have meant so much.