Thursday, January 19, 2012

Sisters

Many people ask me how Farrah and Bella are doing (since Hallie). Thank you for asking! I thought I'd write and tell you that they are doing well. And, this gives me a chance to post a couple of pictures of them with Hallie.

Bella is doing great. The morning after Hallie died (and can I say that that word is hard to say... but "passed" doesn't feel right either... I don't know when I'll get used to saying either of those words)... anyway... the next morning, Bella came bouncing in our room as usual and looked in the bed between Chris and I for Hallie. She asked, "Where is Hallie?" Once I told her that Hallie had died, she said, "Already?" (She knew from previous talks that this would happen.) Chris said, "Yes baby, but she's with God." and almost before he could finish that statement, Bella says "I know!" sweetly but also matter-of-fact and bounced right back out of the room. She's since asked a few questions, but overall her heart has been protected from much of it. She knows it's ok to see us sad and she feels comfortable asking questions. But mainly, Bella and Farrah are just great medicine for her parents!

Bella was so sweet with Hallie. She's always been a "little mommy." She asked to hold her and feed her so often. I wish she could have done it more, really. But she was always around. She watched with curiosity as Chris and I listened with a stethoscope to make sure her feeding tube was in her tummy. Then we'd fill up the bottle and hold it up, or let Bella hold it, to let Hallie be fed through the tube. Chris even brought home the girls their own yellow stethoscopes.

This picture is the morning of the 23rd. The only "morning" we had at home with Hallie. It was a pretty calm morning compared to the night before. Almost like a normal morning here in the house, except with a precious addition to the family. Bella was holding Hallie with my mom beside her. I asked her if she wanted to sing to her. She sang "Jesus loves me" in the sweetest, softest voice. (a different version of the song that has "hallelujah" in it...perfect.)




Farrah knows Hallie's picture and I encourage her to say her name as much as possible. I don't think she'll remember Hallie really, but I do want her to know her name and be comfortable asking questions when she is ready.

When we arrived home from the hospital Thursday night, it was a little crazy at the house. Well, maybe not, but it felt like it. We drove home at rush hour in a torrential downpour AND through Christmas mall traffic. At the first cry that Hallie let out... I was holding her. Yes, I held her all the way home. There was no way I was going to let her be in distress and not able to breathe good ... and I couldn't sufficiently comfort her with my c-section by leaning over the carseat. She was so small in there I couldn't get to her. So I held her. And it was great. (I told you she was held her entire life!!) :) Not to worry, traffic was literally NOT MOVING. It was pouring out and Chris and I rode almost in silence the whole way home. It was VERY hard to leave the hospital with the nurses that had become like family. To hug all of their necks as each of their shifts ended. To be putting Hallie in a carseat knowing it would probably be the only time I would get to do so. It was such a whirlwind of a day/night (or really, 5 days!) But we didn't know what the future held - we were still in awe that we were getting to bring her home! It is what I ultimately really wanted and I was thankful for that, even though I was really sad, too. Crazy how I could feel such big and different emotions simultaneously!

When we arrived home, we surprised the girls who were with GG. They didn't know we were coming home yet (or that Santa was going to be coming that night, either!) We quickly had to jump in and learn how to use our oxygen machine from the hospice equipment guy that was there. Then it was time for another feeding.

During a quiet moment after that, Farrah walked up and gave Hallie a little doll. Such a quick but sweet moment.


... there will always be a sister missing. We love you and miss you, Hallie!

Hallie-36

16 comments:

Nana Julie said...

I'll never forget Christmas Eve morning when i overheard Farrah walked into the empty living room & almost like she was talking outloud to herself asked in a quiet, sweet voice "Where's Hallie?". Then she ran back out of the room, off to her next adventure. Love my girls...

Life in Dawleywood said...

you have three beautiful girls

Rachel Layfield said...

I am a friend of Rachael Copponex's and I have prayed for your sweet family and followed you on your blog! i think of you guys often and its a blessing to me to see such a Godly family! You have three beautiful girls and I can see true joy shining through you even though I don't know you:)

Emily said...

Such sweet girls and beautiful memories you will forever cherish. And ps I would have totally held her in the car too :)

Douglasfam said...

Katie. Hallie with the doll. How precious. Thank you for sharing all of this. We will not forget your sweet girl. love you and praying for you all the time.

Anonymous said...

The way that your family has handled everything, especially with how you've tried to be positive for your older daughters, is beautiful. Bella's reaction to finding out that Hallie was now in heaven shows how well you’ve shown your children God’s love and that THIS isn’t all there is… there is an amazing Heaven on the other side waiting for us. Bella and Farrah will always know that they have an amazing sister waiting for them on the other side!

Hugs for what you are going through. From the bottom of my heart, I am so, so sorry that your time with Hallie wasn't longer. During the time you did have with her, she knew absolutely nothing but love from the months in your tummy to Hallie’s time surrounded by her parents, sisters and other family and friends. She knew nothing but absolute and pure love.

Julie Tiemann said...

I'm soooo glad you posted this. I've wondered from day one what sweet Bella's response to all this would be. I'm so very glad to hear that she seems to have embraced the good and the sweet and been protected from the hard and the sad. Children really are AMAZING medicine, and you've got two amazing little ones there, my friend. I love how open y'all are though, that they will always know they have a sister waiting for them with Jesus. Hugs!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

What a sweet post and precious pictures

Ashley Nicole Jones said...

Just found your story through a friend of mine... I lost my 21 month old girl to SMA type 1 in August (www.skylarmariejones.com). I'm so sorry for your loss but so thankful that you were able to get such precious time with her and your family. May you have much peace and comfort in the year ahead.

mbehm said...

What a sweet post. All three of your girls are precious. I'm so thankful you got to bring Hallie home.

Jill said...

Love this post. Love hearing details of your days with Hallie...and the doll, so precious! Love that Farrah!

Joy said...

Katie,
This is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing what is going on with the girls. I often wonder what that morning looked like for them. You are so brave and beautiful. You have walked through this with grace and dignity. I am so grateful for you and all of the incredible ways that you and your entire family continue to impact and bless our lives.

Anonymous said...

When it comes to saying "she died" or "she passed away" instead Ive heard it said by some "the day my baby crossed over" or "the day she received her angel wings" this instills a beautiful image in both your eyes and the ones you talk with. God bless you. I pray for you and your lifelong witness.

Harriett said...

One day at a time Katie....one day at a time.

April said...

I, as everyone else, was wondering about Bella (& Farrah). We lost my brother in a car accident when he was 6 & I was 4, so I understand the dynamics (although under different circumstances) of growing up in a family that has experienced the death of a child. Praying for you all as you grieve, grow, & journey on.

Terry Miller said...

We continue to think of you and your family. Happy that you have your two precious little girls to entertain and keep you company and praying for your hearts to heal as you go through this grief process.