Saturday, January 28, 2012

These days

This month I've had so much help. Thank you for the meals, the house cleaning, and for Bella and Farrah's wonderful teachers that provide such a cool environment for them. The girls have been going to "school" almost the whole month. (Minus some sick days last week). I was hesitant about this at first, because what was I going to do by myself all month??!? My girls are my "job!" And I love my job. But Chris & friends kept reminding me to take time to physically heal and just take advantage of the time alone while I have it. I guess a month in the scheme of things isn't that long. Even though I have missed them! But I've enjoyed doing some house projects, a few lunches, starting a new women's study and napping. :)

What I didn't do until this week was start to get my head back in the game. I'm still kinda floating at times it seems. Not so much sad, just floating. So I appreciate not having to do as much of my "job" lately - I haven't cooked, deep cleaned much, etc. It's amazing with all of that being done for me- that I can still feel "busy." My body isn't always moving, but my mind is always racing.

I'm doing well, though. I want you to know that. I think I'll always have a part of my heart missing. There are times when I go through short times of anger or longer times of sadness. It will come out of nowhere, of course, just like you hear grief does. For example, I passed by my beta fish "Goldielocks" last week and found myself angry. Angry that this stupid fish has been around way longer than beta fish are suppose to be around. Why that fish is living and why my daughter isn't doesn't make since to me. It's not fair. But life isn't fair. But God is bigger than the fish and bigger than Hallie and bigger than me. And I think that the fact that I can say that and have faith that our God is BIG is what protects my heart in so many ways.

Honestly, like I've mentioned many times before - I have always been afraid of losing a child or a loved one and wondering how I'd ever survive!! I didn't think I could. (Like, this was a fear that would keep me up some nights.) Fear like this is not from God, by the way. So the fact that I've actually survived and doing alright is even astonishing to me sometimes. Because I never had faith that I could make it, much less that God would carry me through it. I can't believe I am ok. But the fact is, I survived. And so I know in my own heart that I didn't get through this alone. Because I know left to my own devices, I could not have. I feel like God is so much more real to me after going through this. God not only got me through it, but blessed me so much in the process. (Weird to say I feel blessed, I know! But it's how I feel and I'm so glad I am able to say that.)

I also pleaded with and told God early on in finding out about Hallie having Trisomy 13 (at 14 weeks) that I "could handle a miscarriage right now, but please don't take me all the way to the end of this pregnancy only to loose a baby!!" Of course that changed around about 18 weeks maybe... when I could feel life moving around in me. Then it became, "Oh God, please let me make it to the end of this pregnancy and let me meet her!!" And although I am extremely thankful that I was able to meet Hallie and hold her, I also have to remind myself that He still would be good if I hadn't gotten to. That kinda rocks my world when I think about it. There are plenty of women who don't get time with their babies. Or there are women who get many more days with their babies than I got. When you lose a baby, no time is ever really enough.

There just IS a peace that surpasses all understanding. I intimately know that to be true now.

Please keep Kara and Jonathan in your prayers this weekend as they get ready to welcome baby Dalton into the world on Monday!! I am excited for her to meet her first born; her sweet baby boy.


mbehm said...

I'm glad you are getting through and doing ok. I'm trying to re-learn how to cook and clean too. Its pretty amazing how God is able to use our tears and pain, turn them into blessings, and draw us closer to Him in the process.

Emily said...

so glad to hear how you are doing, thank you for being so open and real through this experience. Love you, praying for you!

Julie Tiemann said...

Beautiful post, Katie. I am so encouraged to hear how you are surprised by your (His in you!) strength because I've often looked at people who survived trials as difficult as yours and just assumed they must be Superheroes, and that I could never handle things the way they did. But your walk and confessions of fears encourages my heart that truly God does sustain. Thank you for sharing your Hallie and your heart, for both are precious.

Jill said...

Love this. So powerful.

KatAp said...

It is amazing how God carries us through the heartbreak. He gives us what we need; it is nothing we can take credit for. It is God being God -- good, loving, kind, faithful, and enough. I am so glad you call yourself blessed to be Hallie's mom. It was one of my favorite things you said at Hallie's service -- that you're the luckiest mom in the world. I love that and can resonate with it so much. I praise God for how He has met your needs and is reminding you that He is with you.

And you are so right: "when you lose a baby, no time is ever really enough." We would want more no matter how old our child was -- even if our "baby" was 60. I love that you rejoice in the days you had -- 4 1/2 love-filled, God-ordained, holy days. And you have an eternity of days together to look forward to, for Hallie is more a part of your future than of your past (something Steven Curtis Chapman's pastor told him when his daughter Maria died).

I continue to pray. And I look forward to bringing you a meal in March! :)