Sweet Hallie would have been 2 months old today! Instead of focusing on the things I'm going to miss out on, like taking her picture each month with the pink bear, I like to think about it as "it's been two months since I met my precious third daughter!" I am glad I don't dread each 19th of the month. I know a part of that is just being thankful that I was able to meet her. Each of those 5 days were a gift that I never knew I would get. It will never be enough, but they were precious, sacred days that I'm glad I had.
I have no idea how to communicate how much I have learned and continue to learn through our pregnancy and loss of Hallie. I feel like I'll never really FULLY be able to do so. I just know in my own heart, this whole journey has changed me. I mean, of course it did. It is a huge loss. I will forever walk around on this earth feeling like a part of my heart is missing. Forever. One day I'll be reunited with Hallie. Until then... I just have those 5 days to hold on to.
It still all feels surreal, like an out of body experience in many ways. It's little things that can sometimes trigger sadness - like seeing pictures of women in the hospital with their newborns. Because that was most of my reality with Hallie - in a hospital bed, just holding her. When I see those pictures, it takes me right back to those moments. Or having moments of regret (which, I don't have anything to regret - but Satan can make you guess every decision you made and make you wonder it you did all the right things!) It's a vain attempt to try put a reason on why things happened or try to think that I had any control over Hallie's diagnosis or time with us in the first place.
2 months ago Hallie was born! I miss her like the DICKENS. I sometimes wonder what our life would be like right now with two crazy girls wrestling in one room while I'm feeding a newborn. Or getting some good smiles out of a sweet smelling baby. But I continue to feel and choose to feel lucky and blessed. Blessed that I got to spend five days with her. Blessed that I was able to share her story. And blessed that she matters to God and I was the mother of an angel. It doesn't always take the hurt away, but there is peace most of the time and for that I am thankful!
Hope From Hallie is coming along!!! As of this week, we are now filed as a Non-Profit Corporation, thanks to an awesome friend!! I have some great ideas for it... but trying to figure out the best way to honor families and help them have memories of their babies forever. More to come, but thank you for your generous donations. It has meant so much and I'm so excited to get to help others in similar situations!! I can't wait to officially decide on what my game plan is and to share it with you!!!
"Hallelujah" (the song Casey Darnell and Chris wrote) was recorded and it sounds AWESOME!!! How special. I am getting to the point where I can listen without crying now :) It's such a sweet song. I can't wait to share it with you.