Baby is the size of: 13.5 in rutabaga. What??
Symptoms: getting a bit uncomfortable.
Maternity clothes? yep.
Sleep: sleeping pretty well! Grateful for that.
Fun moment(s) this past week: Celebrating Rachael's baby and then Kelly & Bobby's baby boy. Both coming VERY soon!!
Movement: She moves a lot these days. Chris gets to feel a good bit of her kicks, too.
Food cravings: none in particular.
Gender & Name: Hallie
Weight gained: ?
What I am looking forward to: Fall & fall weather. And the girls' birthdays will be here soon, too!
Reflections on the past week: auuuuuuuuuggggg. Overall, fine. But a few teary times this week. Something about realizing this week that I'm "25" weeks" and have less than more weeks left has kinda hit me.We had a talk about things parents shouldn't have to talk about - decisions that need to be made now and not when Hallie is born. I was able to (somehow) research and talk about this stuff with Chris objectively. It of course is heavy stuff, but I was able to think about it because we NEED to, not because I wanted to. Then the little things are what can bring me to tears.
Like Saturday, we were loading the kids up to go run errands and my maternity jeans had to be pulled up for the 500th time already that morning (they drive me nuts!) and I got in the car and just cried. Because I have to wear maternity pants, act like a normal pregnant woman, and may not get the same results as a normal pregnant woman. It's not fair. I sometimes mourn that my body is going through all the usual motions of being pregnant, and it's just a reminder to me of what I am going through. What is to come. As much as I try to just think about all the good things and how I know it will all be worth it, it's just hard sometimes. And although I would never change my decision to carry to term this precious girl, the situation just sucks. But I knew it would. I knew it wouldn't be easy. But it's not the little things that make me upset, it's just a compilation of all these little things.
I try to not worry about the future, because there is nothing I can do to change it. I know God has me in his hands. But that doesn't always keep me for actually worrying and just being scared and sad.
I've also noticed how worship music affects me. We have a CD in the car of all the music played in Waumba land. (Yes, preschool music.) But it's not typical kid music. It's many of our musicians from church and they are just good. They of course are positive and "happy" songs. But also really catchy and my girls LOVE it. They have motions to every song. And I can sing right along with them, and I can claim every word they say. It's sounds cheesy, but I like it.
Then, at church - our music is soooo wonderful. And I don't say that just because Chris works there. I mean, yall know if you go there... it's just good. But man, lyrics can just cut to the heart when you are going through stuff, you know? Sometimes I cry, other times I feel like I could have a really good cry, but hold the tears back harder so that people won't look at me. Either way, I could cry every time. Nothing wrong with it of course. But I don't want stares or people worrying about me, etc. I guess I should get over that.
Wow... that was some rambling.
Thank again for all the prayers, sweet notes, books, even gifts and more prayers. They mean so much. I'm reading one that was given to me called "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith and it is great.
8 comments:
Oh Katie. I'm so sorry. I totally get that - we somehow handle the hardest stuff really well sometimes - probably because we're psyching ourselves up for it so much and also relying on God so deeply for our strength. But then in just the normal everyday things of life, someething catches us off guard when our defenses are down and... cue breakdown. I'm so sorry. Can I just say how BRAVE you are to me?! Seriously. You continue to be in our prayers. Love you guys.
Whatever you do keep posting an journaling. It touches those who read it while at the same time (if your like me) is helpful to you. Be raw and real. No emotion is WRONG...remember that. We pray and think of you daily.
Love you Katie, you are so strong.
i agree about the hymn lyrics- it's one thing to read a passage of scripture, but when it's put to music it. just. tugs at you!
about the maternity pants- i did a blog post on my family blog that shows how to make your own bella bands. you could totally be wearing your own pants (unzipped a bit) and then the homemade bella band covering up your waist.
i felt like my body was lying at times- like this big pretend show for everyone else- for all the strangers out there- for everyone but the people who REALLY knew me.
hugs to you.
angie smith is so awesome so i'm sure her book will be such a big support for you. the situation does just straight up suck and it double sucks that life simply isn't fair and doesn't play favorites. we all get handed different things in life, the good and the bad, and we just have to kinda deal with it. thankfully you know the lord and you know that one day you WILL live a life of no pain or hurt :) you're doing awesome - just continue to savor each and every precious second!
thinking of you guys all the time and praying for grace and strength. at church this sunday we were studying james, one of my favorite books, and this verse made me think of yall: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." one thing my pastor said was dont be afraid to ASK for wisdom! anyway, love you guys and thinking about you <3
The book is very moving in so many ways. You feel the author's pain, her love for her family, her strength & weaknesses and testimony in almost every word she speaks and that is what we feel through your words. Your blog is down to earth and real, and so very touching. My prayers will continue for God to give you and your family growing strength and courage to face each new day with more understanding and Faith than the day before.
Love, Dee Ann
Thinking of the future is hard not to do, but something I have learned how to side-step. It is so hard and it isn't fair that anyone has to go through this. Church to be honest was the hardest for me. It was odd-because it was also a time when I knew my faith was the strongest...I had the toughest time walking through those church doors. I don't know if it was the music or just the feeling of the presence of God. I don't know, but it was hard for me. I pray for you, your family and sweet Hallie.
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