"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning."
We had an ultrasound today with the prenatal specialist to check on the baby. It's hard for me to know how much to write here! I want everyone to know what is going on... because 1) I know people are concerned (I've been in that boat!) 2) I want people to know how to pray and 3) if we do make it full-term, or even if we don't, I'd love for my blog to help someone in the future dealing with Trisomy 13. I know how much reading these similar blogs has helped me in the last couple of weeks. It's nice to read them and be like "Yes! That's exactly how I feel!!!" Because as helpful as the doctors want to be, they haven't been through this. Don't get me wrong, they are great.
But it's also hard to write and put all my true feelings out there. They can change so fast! I know my writings are kind of stream of consciousness, but I don't know how to get it all out there! I do want you all to know that we have MANY more good hours than bad hours. The harder times are:
1) At night when it's quiet and you sit and dwell on it or when falling asleep
2) The ultrasounds are hard (not so much the actual ultrasounds, but afterwards) because what Chris and I see is a perfect baby. And knowing that the doctors, as much as they would like to, can't tell us what the next day will bring.
So please know that YOUR prayers are something we've taken great comfort in.
I am literally having to learn to take it one day at a time - there isn't another way, really - and it's helped a lot. I'm kind of a wake-up-and-figure-out-my-day kinda girl anyways, but this is at a whole new level!
It is sad not to look forward to an ultrasound in the way you do with a typical pregnancy. But overall, I was eager to see her again and anxious to see if there were any new developments. (For those of you who have asked... we had a diagnostic test done - meaning they took DNA from my placenta - so there's no mistaking what the baby has). The only question that will remain is how severe will it be on the different organs (heart, lungs, etc.). She does in fact have a heart defect (we should see all 4 chambers of the heart, but the middle is not forming correctly). The doctor also suspects a cleft palate, which is a typical marker of Trisomy 13. The fluid behind her neck is less than it was 2 weeks ago, which is a sign that the baby isn't under as much stress. The doctor's educated guess after seeing things is that I have a 50-70% chance of losing her before birth. But to turn it around, that also means a 30-50% chance of a live birth. So really, to me, there is no telling!
The nice part about the ultrasounds, to look for a positive, is that it is LONG! So we get to see her for a good 30 minutes! Fingers, toes, sweet profile. I asked a million times for a picture because the most clear one I have so far is from 10 weeks. They printed two off... and they were not much better. Next time, I WILL get a GOOD ONE.
Thanks for your continued prayers. I know as a mom/friend/parent reading this and thinking about us is upsetting to you, too. So thanks for helping carry our load with your prayers, concerns and friendship.