Thursday, July 14, 2011

Hard days & God's Mercy

I had my first appointment (16 week appointment) with my regular OBGYN doctors today since the diagnosis. Baby Girl's heartbeat was nice & strong. I actually had the appt with the doctor who delivered Bella. My practice has 6 women, and any of the 6 could be the delivery doctor. She had been filled in with the specialists findings and it was basically just a time for me to ask questions. I didn't have tons, just two really. One was "How often have y'all delivered a baby with Trisomy?" I knew it wouldn't be tons, but I was super surprised that she said, "Well, a couple of YEARS ago we had a girl who decided to carry the baby to term and made it to birth..." A couple of YEARS ago??? That is crazy to me. This is a huge, busy practice. I know that Trisomy is 1) rare 2) some decide to terminate the pregnancy and 3) many don't make it full term - but WOW.

Which leads me to the title of my blog tonight. I had a couple of hard days this week. I found myself, for the first time really, asking "Why ME??" Not that I'd EVER wish it on anyone... but why me? I know that may never be answered. But that on top of the worry of it all got a hold of me this week. I just didn't see how I was going to find joy in this pregnancy. How was I ever going to NOT think about my situation? It's on my mind 24/7. I was short with people around me, and I just wanted to sleep it away. "Wake me up next year," I thought. Though I know staying "busy" is a good way to keep my mind off of it, I also wasn't in the mood to be around anyone else. I was fine with the girls, but night time was hard after the day of worry had taken it's toll on me. (And don't worry a bit if you feel bad for not checking in on me. I'm more than likely to act like nothing is wrong anyway... I'm tricky like that :))

A blog of a husband & wife who went through this a couple of years ago has been so helpful. They reminded me that this is God's purpose in this little girl, no matter how long or short. I want to celebrate that, no matter how hard.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)

I love this verse and the promise it contains! The last few words could be translated, "...and find grace for a well-timed help." God's grace comes to us just when we need it, not before and never too late. That is why Jesus says not to worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow has enough trouble of its own, but God is already there and His mercies are new every morning, just when we need them. So how do we look into an utterly unpredictable future with, most likely, a great deal of grief and loss in it without becoming morose, self-centered, and depressed? How do we go on loving other people when we are scared and our hearts are grieving over what is to come? We preach Hebrews 4:16 to ourselves every day and fight the fight of faith in God's goodness and love for us. We approach the throne of grace with confidence! His grace will be sufficient and we can even rejoice in our sufferings because we have such and amazing God who will meet our needs at exactly the best moments.

That paragraph above is taken from their blog. Because I can't write that good, and I'm not good at paraphrasing. (Never have been, ask my parents and those darn book reports they helped me with.) And I think they said it just perfectly. I can't do this on my own, and God knows that. So why not just receive the mercy he's giving me?

So the past two days have been better. I know I'll have dark days in the future, but I also can come out of them confidently knowing I'm not alone and CHOOSE to see God's blessing in all of this.


Nana Julie said...

Wow. What a blessing this post is. Ive been thinking "Why is this happening to my daughter?" Our world has shifted - our focus is more than ever on the ones we love. Thank you for giving me these words, even if they are not your own. They give me comfort and reassurance that through all this, you are going to be ok. We all are. God has a purpose in this sweet little girl.
And BTW, I hated those book reports as much as you did! Give me paper mache any day!!

mckennah said...

Love you friend. Glad I got to see you today :)

ssgeorgia said...

Katie and Chris - I work with your mom and have been thinking of you and your family often. I am praying for you and know that baby girl #3 will always be a part of your family!
Sherie Green

Julie Tiemann said...

Bless your heart. No, not in any way, shape or form something you would have chosen - not for yourself, and certainly not for the baby girl growing inside of you. It does all seem so very unfair, but I am so glad you guys have such a deep faith that I know will carry you through. We continue to pray every night with our girls for "Bella and Farrah's baby sister," and (stealing your words), for more joy than sadness in this journey.

Anonymous said...

Hi Katie,

I just read your blog for the first time ever today. I saw the link on your Mom Julie's FB page.

I am Chris P.'s mom. Keegan & Chris were very close friends, they spent a lot of time together at both our houses growing up. Chris was killed in Iraq in Sept. 2007. Keegan was one of his pall bearers, so heart breaking.

Katie, I just want to tell you that your honesty and openness about your pain, your worry and most of all your faith is encouraging to me.

I don't have anything profound to say really......I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your heart. Jesus has you and your precious family, all three of your daughters in His loving hands. I will pray for you...

Bonnie Rary said...

Katie and Chris:
You are both such an inspiration - such good parents, so strong in your faith, and wow - so much courage. Your words and thoughts are truly a blessing. I am so proud of you. I love you both and am praying for all of you daily.

Anonymous said...

I copied this out of my devo just yesterday and sent it to 2 friends that I thought could use it... I'll post it here as well....

Remember that there is strength in just speaking His name.

When we cry out to God, He may remove the problem immediately, yet we often have to wait for His perfect timing. Harsh circumstances might even be allowed to remain for His good purposes. But we can always count on His comfort and presence, which enable us to live with joy and hope.

All of this I know you know, just by reading your blog, but that first sentence really spoke to me... There is power in speaking his name!!

There really aren't words that anyone can speak that will make this better for you, but please know that if I can ever do anything for you or your family I will be more than happy to. And of course I am praying for you!
Love, Rachel Cartwright

Jill said...

Loving your honesty. Blogs can be such a blessing in that way. It is (usually) easier to "be fine" throughout the day to people...nothing wrong with that at all, in fact it often helps!! But getting out the real stuff and letting us know what's really going on this way - well, just know God is using it to bless US along the way. You are brave and strong. These days are brutal, I can't even begin to imagine. Praying for you - God puts you on my heart a lot, as I know he does with SO many others. Let us all help carry this burden in some small way.

Terry Miller said...

We are reminded how fragile we are. How nothing can be taken for granted. How God uses ALL things for good.

Praying that your faith is strengthened daily and that you will feel the love of those thinking and praying for you and your precious family.

Love, Terry

Siennna Velinov said...
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Sue hankins said...

you know katie, you are now giving such purpose and meaning to this tiny life inside you inspiring, sharing with us your faith, courage and passion for life. THANK YOU. Holding you and your family in the light.